


Paragade of Destiny

by kirikaclyne



Series: Paragade of Destiny [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:37:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4065271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirikaclyne/pseuds/kirikaclyne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexis Shepard's life has never been easy, and this new assignment is going to push her to a whole new level. But with the help of her crew, some new friends, and a man from her past, she'll face whatever the universe throws at her. Will go right through the trilogy, but will deviate from cannon in places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 **

_The smell of rotting garbage still burns her nostrils after all these years, but she's able to push the urge to gag aside as long as she doesn't concentrate on it for too long. Walking further into the alley, she could think of nothing but finally getting to Liam's hideout. For once she's gotten a decent cut of the bets in her fight tonight, enough to pick up some decent food and new tech for him to tinker with. She adjusts the strap of the bag she packed everything into and casually looks over her shoulder, but this area of the city is mostly old, abandoned industrial buildings and she hasn't even seen anyone else around._

_A pair of strong arms suddenly grip her shoulders and spin her around. Pure reflex and residual adrenalin cause her to drop her bag and ball her still-bloody fist, biting back a hiss of pain as what feels like a broken knuckle makes itself known. She aims a punch at her assailants jaw, but he is just as fast at blocking her incoming fist._

_His face is hidden in shadow, but she knows his features almost as well as she knows her own. Parts are like staring into a mirror; others are foreign, taking after a father neither of them ever knew. She almost relaxes as she recognizes him, but something in his demeanor keeps her on edge. She had been careful to detour and change her route more than once to ensure she couldn't be followed, or at least she'd thought so. But if he had followed her, chances are someone has followed him._

_"You're being stupid, Alexis!" his low, angry voice pulls her from her musing. "The bounty those guys offered you could finally get us off the streets and into the life we deserve, the life mom would have wanted for us!"_

_The mention of their mother still causes her to shiver, an icy hand grabbing her heart. But she pushes it down and focuses instead on the anger she so often uses as a shield, wrapping it around herself like a cloak. "Don't call me that!" she hisses as she pulls herself out of his grasp. "No one needs to know that name. And do you honestly think that mom would have approved of you trying to get me to sell out my friend for money?"_

_He scoffs at her, ignoring her point about their mother. "What, you mean you haven't even told_ him _?"_

_She glances away from him, cursing herself as she realizes that her bottom lip is already between her teeth. No matter how hard she's tried, she has yet to succeed in breaking her telling habit. Between that and her silence, she's told him everything he wants to know._

_"You're giving up the chance for us to get the hell out of here and you haven't even told him your real name?" He looks incredulous. "He's a freakin' biotic sand junkie, Alexis! He's only exploiting you for cheap sand and sex!"_

_Alexis glares darkly at him. "For your information, I've never sold him any sand, nor is our relationship_ anything _like that. We're friends; no more, no less." Blood rushes in her ears, but her voice is hard as she draws her anger even tighter around her. If he weren't her brother, and her hand weren't absolutely killing her, he would be lying on the ground with a broken jaw for speaking to her like that. But as it is, she's never actually hit him. Jon Shepard may know exactly how to get under her skin and piss her off, but she could never bring herself to hit him. Even if he did deserve it a lot of the time._

_"So why the hell are you protecting him?" His frustration is evident, but she is tired of trying to make him understand._

_"Because he's my friend, Jon! The first one I've had since we ran away, and I'm not giving him up for money!"_

_Just as she starts to turn away, a spray of strong coppery-smelling liquid hits her face. Her hand slaps at it, her mind not registering its identity until she feels the hot stickiness against the pads of her fingers. Time slows to a crawl as she turns back towards Jon, her puzzlement changing to horror as she watches a stain of deepest red bloom from his abdomen. Their eyes meet and she's sure that the horror and shock displayed on his face mirrors her own._

_He clasps the wound with one hand, and an icy fear fills her as she realizes it is probably all in vain. Tears prick her eyes as she takes a step and reaches out to him, her mind screaming at her to help him staunch the flow. Her fingers just brush his arm as a hot, excruciating pain slices across her face just below her right eye. She clutches and covers her eye, a scream tearing from her throat as something punches into her left shoulder hard enough to knock her remaining breath from her lungs. She gasps as her legs buckle beneath her, sending her sprawling to the ground. Adrenalin pours through her veins as she drags herself behind a dumpster and looks over with her good eye to see if Jon's also taken cover. But her gaze finds nothing but his unmoving body lying in a growing pool of blood. The pain of her wounds fades as her mind tries to reconcile what she's seeing. Another shot hits the dumpster, but her mind is blank and doesn't register anything more than a hollow ting._

_Razor sharp grief and shocked disbelief clutch and claw at her. Her lungs are burning with the sobs she is forcing back. She can't allow them to consume her. Instead she forces her mind to turn them into rage and allows it to rise like lava from within her, mixing with the adrenaline to push her physical pain aside. There will time to mourn later, now is the time for survival and vengeance._

_She glances in the direction the shots had come from, but she can't see anything, and the sound of her racing heart and ragged breathing drowns out all other sounds. Each breath burns worse than the last, and she knows she won't last long if she doesn't escape. She drops the hand covering her right eye and forces her eyelid open. By sheer luck she'd turned her head just enough for the bullet to miss her eye and graze her cheek. She blinks back the tears pooling at the edges and notices the pistol Jon had attempted to draw. It had fallen from his hand and is lying not too far from her, but before she can reach it, a large black boot kicks it away. She watches it skitter down the alley out of sight._

_She looks up and glares at the three people now standing over her. Hatred, shock, and rage all war for supremacy within her, but hatred wins the battle as she recognizes Randle, one of the Reds' top enforcers, loosely clutching his rifle as he looks down at her. Smirking in what she can only assume is amusement at her injured state. Her vision narrows as she snarls and bares her teeth at him, ignoring his two companions for the moment._

_The unknown men back away, looks of unease and fear on their faces as they take in her wounded and bloodied state. She tries to focus on what they are saying to him, but she only catches a few words. Something about how without her alive, they will never be able to lure the biotic out of hiding, and Randle will never see a single credit if they don't catch him. She glances over at them and feels another surge of rage and adrenaline. These were the same suited guys who had approached her. She springs from her crouch and lunges at the closest one, but Randle strikes her with the butt of his rifle. A loud crunch fills her ears as she falls back to the ground in a heap, the left side of her face throbbing almost as bad as the right.  
_

_Her shallow breaths come quicker now as she fights against the blackness creeping at the edge of her vision. She's sure that her cheekbone is broken, but her instincts scream at her to get back up. Her eyes flash to Randle as he kneels down in front of her, placing his rifle beside him._

_"Lina, Lina, Lina," he mockingly scolds. "You know, if Jon had just done what was asked of him, none of this would have happened." He gently caresses her throbbing cheek with the back of his hand, almost as though he's sorry he hurt her. "But what's done is done, and now that we're here I think I'm going to enjoy toying with you." His eyes change from mocking gentleness to cold hatred as his hands encircle her throat, lifting her up off the ground before she can do more than gasp._

_Her feet dangle just above the ground as he holds her at his eye level and begins to flex his fingers around her windpipe. She claws at his hands, her gasps becoming more and more desperate as she tries to break his hold as black spots start to invade her vision. He laughs at her feeble attempts before a kick from her flailing legs catches him in the crotch. He snarls in rage and throws her across the alley as though she is nothing more than a rag doll._

_Alexis's back impacts the wall and she falls to the ground in a heap. She lets out a shuddering gasp as air again floods her deprived lungs, but it's loving caress is driven back out of her as Randle's boot slams into her midsection. A cry of pain escapes her lips and she has to fight the blackness that is now permeating her vision._

_Randle steps back, laughing heartily as she rolls onto her less injured side and pulls her knees to her chest to protect herself. "I've wanted to do this for a long time Lina." she looks up to glare through the tears now coursing down her bloodied cheeks, and a sickening grin spreads across his face as he stalks towards her again. "By this time tomorrow, you'll be begging me to kill you. Who knows? I might even do it."_

_A numb, cold fear spreads through her. She's seen the same, ugly hunger in his eyes once before. Remembered the pained screams, louder than anything her current injuries would elicit. She whimpers as he bends down, reaching for her. His fingers are inches from her throat when a strange blue/black glow surrounds him, and he freezes in place. She hears the suited men shout and looks beyond Randle's frozen form to the mouth of the alley for the source of the commotion._

_Someone is there, but her vision swims too badly to make out more than a blurry figure. The two men rush towards her rescuer, one of them activating his omni-tool while the other draws a pistol from under his jacket. Her rescuer gestures with his hands, flinging Randle away from her and into a dumpster at least ten feet away from her prone form._

_A new kind of fear washes over her as she realizes rescuers identity. Scrabbling at the ground, she manages to push herself up onto her knees, going for the knife she always had hidden in her boot. A pained grunt of exertion escapes her bloodied lips as she uses the last of her strength to throw the knife. Pride blooms in her gut when it sinks into the armed man's back. He screams in pain and falls to the ground, his weapon clattering away under one of the many garbage piles._

_The strange blue glow surrounds her rescuer as she watches him rush the other suited man and punch him in the jaw. His neck lets out a resounding crack as his head twists to the side, and his body falls to the ground, motionless._

_Alexis sighs with relief, her strength spent. She's dimly aware of the ground rushing to meet her face, but the pain she expects to feel from the contact never comes. The last thing she feels before the blackness crashes over her is a pair of strong arms catching her and gently lowering her to the ground._

_"I'm sorry, Lina," The whisper sounds as though it's coming from kilometers away as her mind shuts down. "I'm so sorry."_

 

* * *

 

A startled gasp escaped the throat of Lieutenant Commander Alexis Shepard as she shot upright in her bunk. The thin, overstarched military blanket lay almost entirely on the floor, and the little bit left on the bed clung to her sweat-drenched body. Her eyes quickly swept the room, searching for a threat years in the past, as her foggy mind attempted to reconcile with her actual location: women's temporary quarters, Arcturus Station, 2183.

She flopped back down on the mattress, grimacing as her head bounced off the bare mattress. Where the hell did her pillow go? She rubbed her head and let out the long breath she'd trapped in her lungs. Her heart hammered almost as fast as it had that fateful night. She frowns as she registers the cool, wet trails of tears streaked across her cheeks. Closing her eyes, she counted to fifty. After Elysium the brass had sent her to a therapist. She'd hated every second, but he'd at least taught her a few tricks to deal with the aftermath of that hell.

It'd been a long time since she'd dreamt about that night. Over the years, work and missions have filled the hole that Jon's death tore through her. Still, every once in a while, a crack opened to drag her back into the darkness.

Once she managed to bring her heart-rate and breathing back under control, she rolled to the edge of the bed and retrieved the pillow and blanket. The adrenaline from the nightmare was dissipating, leaving her cold, shaking, and bone tired. She curled herself into the blanket and willed her mind to slow enough for sleep to embrace her again, but after what felt like an hour of staring at either the insides of her eyelids or the blank wall, she was forced to admit that she'd lost the battle for sleep.

Reaching out to the small shelf next to her bunk, she retrieved her omni-tool and flicked it on to display the time. She groaned in frustration as she realized there were still six hours until roll call for her new assignment, meaning she'd only slept for about three hours.

With a sigh of defeat she kicked off her covers, grabbed her shower kit and a fresh BDU from her packed footlocker. If she was awake, she might as well get ready, and nothing shook off the cobwebs better than a shower and fresh uniform. She had personnel reports to study and a mission brief to go over before reporting in. As Captain Anderson's new executive officer, it was her job to know the crew better than they knew themselves, though she knew reports could really only offer her the basics. Combat was the only thing that could give you a real glimpse into a person.

 

* * *

 

Sitting alone in the mess, Shepard pored over data pads containing the personnel reports of the officers she would be serving with. She was vaguely familiar with the pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, nickname "Joker". Anderson told her about how he'd commandeered the Normandy during its test flight to prove that he was the best man to pilot her. She had to admit, the guy had stones.

With a smirk she flipped to the next officer, Navigator Charles Pressly, formerly of the SSV Agincourt. The sight of that ship name gave Shepard a small thrill. It and its contingent of Marines had been some of the first to reach Elysium. They'd reached her position just in time and driven back the pirates that had be ready to overwhelm her. Her defense of the colony may have earned her the invitation to the Interplanetary Combatives Training ( ICT) program, but she owed her life to the marines on Agincourt.

She was just reaching for her coffee when she heard the doors from the CIC hiss open and heavy, armored footfalls began to descend the stairs. A frown creased her brow as she listened closer.

She lowered her data pad and reached into her boot for the knife she always kept there. With fluid movements, she drew the knife and silently ducked around to the opposite side of the elevator shaft. The footsteps stopped at the bottom of the stairs and a tense silence fell over the deck. Shepard heard the click and expansion of a pistol, and she clutched her knife a little tighter as she edged closer to the corner of the shaft.

A cool, dual-toned voice echoed around the empty deck. "I know you're there, human. Show yourself and state your business on this vessel."

Shepard's frown deepened. A turian? What the hell would a turian be doing on an Alliance ship? The Alliance and Hierarchy had collaborated on the Normandy, but all of their checks had been completed during the initial flight tests. Nothing in her brief said the Hierarchy was sending someone to observe the shakedown.

"Commander Shepard. Executive Officer of the SSV Normandy," she said as she stepped around the corner to face the intruder, her knife in a defensive grip in front of her.

The two of them stared at each other for a moment before the turian's mandibles twitched with what Shepard recognized as a smirk, and he lowered his pistol.

"Well met, Commander," he said as he collapsed the pistol and holstered it at his side. "Nihlus Kryik, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. I will be observing this operation on behalf of the Citadel Council."

Shepard's eyes widened slightly in surprise as she sheathed her knife. "Why would the Council send a Spectre on an Alliance shakedown cruise to a human colony?"

"This vessel was a joint venture between the Alliance, Turian Hierarchy, and Citadel Council. I was selected as a representative of both the Council and Hierarchy to observe this 'shakedown run', as you call it."

Shepard remained silent, watching Nihlus as he walked past her, heading for the lockers on the other side of the mess. She didn't have a problem with turians, far from it. The ones she'd worked with over the years proved to be competent strategists and fierce warriors. No, her issues lay with the council sending a Spectre along on a low-value mission. A low tingle of warning set in at the base of her skull, an instinctual alarm she trusted without questions. Something told her that a great many details hadn't made it into her mission briefing.

With a slight shrug of her shoulders she headed back to the mess table to gather her data pads, feeling that it was probably time to prepare to meet Anderson.

"Please inform me when your Captain arrives," Nihlus said as he began checking and storing his weapons in the locker next to hers. "I have matters of a sensitive nature that I wish to discuss with him."

Shepard looked up at him, her face a mask of passive neutrality, and nodded. This was going to be an interesting voyage.

 

* * *

 

**Authors Note:** HUGE thanks to MizDirected for all her help in getting this chapter to it's now polished state! She really is the best and most patient beta in the world! Also want to thank the members of the Mass Effect writers Facebook group! You guys are all awesome!


	2. Chapter 2

Smooth, cold steel beneath the pads of her fingers. Sterile, nose-burning antiseptic in the air made her want to cringe, but nothing in her face would cooperate. Confused, she tried to flex her fingers, but they were stiff and unyielding. Panic began to set in. Why couldn’t she move? A loud beeping reached her ears and her foggy brain registered that it seemed to be keeping time with her erratic heartbeat. Okay, medbay or hospital, that at least answered the where. Another breath brought forward another scent. Spicy and familiar, but she couldn’t place it. The memory danced just out of her reach, enticing and frustrating as hell.

She pushed against the thick fog that seemed to be holding her in place. Every muscle in her body felt heavy and uncooperative. Not the usual "encased in heavy armor" heavy, more of a "long period of disuse" heavy. Every nerve twitch felt disjointed and foreign. It was frustrating, and more than a bit scary if she was honest.

With a final push of monumental effort, Shepard finally broke through her foggy prison and inhaled deeply. The antiseptic now mixed with the spicy aroma and ozone, pulling yet another thread of her locked memories loose. The spice and ozone brought comfort, though she had no idea _why_ , and she was able to bring her racing heart under better control. Her fingers flexed and curled into loose fists, the cold of the steel almost welcoming against her knuckles. A low moan left her as her head rolled in the direction of that comforting scent, her eyelids fluttering as she attempted to force her eyes to identify its source. A pair of whiskey-colored eyes appeared through the last of the hazy fog as consciousness reasserted itself. She stared into them for long seconds, trying to reconcile what she was seeing with what her brain was telling her. It couldn’t be...those eyes belonged in the distant past. He couldn’t be here.

“Liam?” she wheezed. She scrunched her nose at the sound of her own voice, so raw, hoarse, and foreign sounding. She swallowed a few times in hopes of easing her parched vocal chords and watched as the eyes before her widened considerably. First in surprise and then in relief mixed with a bit of confusion and, what she could only assume was fear. Why was he afraid of her?

“Doctor! Doctor Chakwas! I think she’s waking up,” the voice that belonged to those eyes called anxiously. Shepard blinked again, as her brain fast forwarded through everything that had happened. Those eyes belonged to Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, head of the Marine detail on the Normandy. Images of Corporal Jenkins' mangled body, Nilhus’s dead, vacant eyes, the burned-out science camp, the survivors being impaled on those spikes before being turned into those … husks. Every horror of the mission flew through her mind. She clenched her eyes shut as a migraine slammed a sledgehammer into her temple. Flashes of the hopelessness and despair it had shown her swam across her vision, making her empty stomach roll uncomfortably.

Groaning loudly, she rolled away from the lieutenant and pushed herself into a sitting position, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands as her head continued to pound to the beat of its own drum.

“You had us worried Shepard.” came the kindly voice of Dr. Karin Chakwas. Shepard looked up at the doc and tried to give her an apologetic smile, but she was sure it was no more than a grimace. Dr. Chakwas scrutinized her with a knowing eye before giving her a professional, no nonsense reply. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I headbutted a krogan,” she muttered as she rubbed her fingers along her temples and rolled her neck from side to side. Dr. Chakwas expression darkened in concern as she activated her omni-tool to run some scans. Shepard rolled her eyes at what she considered to be an overreaction. “I’m kidding, Doc. It’s calmed down to a minor throbbing; honestly, it’s nothing major.”

She pushed herself down off the bed and casually leaned back against it, ignoring the burning pain of her muscles while keeping her face carefully neutral. Any sign of weakness and the doc would try to keep her off duty, and that was _not_ happening. “How long was I out?”

Dr. Chakwas finished her scans and gave Shepard a scrutinizing look, almost like she knew Shepard was hiding her pain. “About 15 hours.” Shepard felt her mouth fall open in shock, but quickly closed it again as the doctor continued. “Something happened with the beacon, I think.”

“It’s my fault, Commander,” came a slightly-dejected voice from behind her.

Shepard looked over her shoulder at the lieutenant with a raised eyebrow. “And how exactly do you figure that, LT?”

Alenko looked at her as though she had grown a second head. “I got too close and triggered some kind of security field. You had to push me out of the way.”

Shepard nodded in remembrance. “I remember that part, what I’m not clear on how that was _your_ fault. You come across Prothean tech before and not tell me or something?”

Shepard watched him as his jaw fell slightly open in surprise at her nonchalance and had to suppress her snicker. He was clearly beating himself up over what happened for no reason. Though she would never say so out loud, she had been on her way to have a look at the beacon too.

“Relax, Lieutenant,” she let a small smile raise the corner of her mouth. “You had no way of knowing what would happen. Prothean tech isn’t exactly covered in any of the Alliance tech courses.” She watched as Alenko’s shoulders relaxed, and he gave her a small thankful smile. Her heart jumped at the sight, and she had to fight to keep her breathing even. He really did look like...but no. Liam would have never joined the Alliance. The boy she’d known had just wanted to have a normal life free from those who had hurt him because of his biotics. Military life was anything but normal.

“Actually we don’t even know if that’s what set it off, and unfortunately we’ll never get the chance to find out.” Chakwas said as she moved away from Shepard and uploaded the latest scan data into her terminal. Shepard cocked her head to the side, a question on her lips at the doctor’s comment, but the lieutenant seemed to know what she was going to ask.

“The beacon exploded, a system overload maybe, and the blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here.” He stood in front of her now and she studied his face a bit closer. When they’d met at the onset of the mission, she hadn’t noticed the similarities he seemed to share with Liam. Too distracted by Nihlus’ presence, but now they were all she could see. The scar at the corner of his mouth, the unique shade of his hazel eyes. Liam had been a skinny, sullen boy, but Lieutenant Alenko was a well built man. Yes, life in the military would have developed him, but would that boy really have faced his demons, gotten clean and enlisted? The pounding in her head increased the more she thought about it.

Shepard nodded, showing no outward sign of her inner turmoil, and gave him a thankful smile. “I appreciate that Lieutenant. I hope my fat ass wasn’t too much for you to handle.”

The lieutenant snickered, as his eyes traveled up her slight frame. “No, ma’am, and I doubt there is even an ounce of fat on you.” Their eyes met and Shepard felt the heat starting to creep up her cheeks. Alenko rubbed the back of his neck, his tanned skin darkening as a blush crept up his own cheeks.

Shepard coughed in discomfort and repositioned herself before catching the doctors amused gaze. At least someone was enjoying their awkward display. “So am I good to go Doc?”

Chakwas consulted her terminal, hiding her grin as scrutinizing all of the Shepard’s scan data with a practiced eye. “Physically it appears that you’re fine. I would think that the weakness your feeling in your muscles will pass within the hour, probably just from the amount of time you were unconscious.” Shepard’s blush deepened as Chakwas gave her a knowing look. So much for hiding her discomfort. “But I detected some unusual brain activity,” Chakwas continued. “Abnormal beta-waves. There was also an increase in your rapid eye movement. All signs typically associated with intense dreaming. Do you remember anything Commander?”

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest and averted her eyes to stare at the floor. She didn’t want to think about what the beacon had shown her, but since it had happened while on a mission, and a failed one at that, she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it quiet. “I saw … I’m not really sure what the hell it was.” She shrugged her shoulders uncomfortably. “You know me Doc, my dreams aren’t exactly about fluffy bunnies and flowery fields on the best of days. But this … this was worse than usual.” Her eyes shifted back to the doctor. “Death, destruction. Honestly, nothing is really clear.” She scrubbed her hands down her face and pulled the edge of her lower lip between her teeth.

Chakwas looked at her with a mixture of understanding and sympathy, almost as though she could guess where Shepard’s dreams usually took her, but the sound of the med-bay door hissing open diverted all of their attention. The soldier in Shepard forced the pain of her aching muscles aside as she moved to stand next to Alenko, both of them offering a sharp salute as Captain David Anderson strode briskly into the room.

A look of intense relief flashed through Anderson’s eyes as he looked over Shepard, and she felt a pang of guilt at the amount of worry her unconsciousness must have caused him. He stopped in front of the two officers and returned their salute before turning his attention to the doctor. “How’s our XO doing doctor?” a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he glanced at Shepard. “Not causing you any trouble by trying to run away before she’s been cleared I hope.”

Chakwas chuckled as Shepard wrinkled her nose at the Captain’s remark. “Not so far, but it’s still early in our tour.” She struggled to contain her laughter as Shepard pursed her lips in annoyance. “But all the readings are normal so I would say that the Commander is going to be just fine.”

Anderson nodded, his shoulders falling a fraction of an inch in relief at the news. “I’m glad to hear it,” he glanced between the three of them before continuing. “I’m sorry Karin, but would you and Lieutenant Alenko please step outside? I would like to speak with the Commander in private for a moment.”

Alenko gave another salute. “Aye aye, Captain. I’ll be in the mess if you need me.” Chakwas gave Shepard another comforting smile, squeezing her shoulder lightly as she passed and followed the lieutenant out into the mess hall.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Anderson turned back to Shepard, no longer bothering to hide the concern he felt for her now that they were in private. “Sounds like the beacon gave you quite the beating Shepard. I know what you probably told Doctor Chakwas, but I want you to be honest with me, no bullshit. How are you really feeling?”

Shepard shrugged and rubbed her fingers along her temples. “I’ll live. But,” her breath hitched as she allowed her mind to drift back to the mission. “I feel horrible about Jenkins. He was just a kid, and dying like that on his home planet … .” She swallowed and blinked back the tears that threatened to fall from the corners of her eyes.

Anderson stepped forward and placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a firm, fatherly squeeze to draw her attention back to him. “Corporal Jenkins wasn’t your fault. I read Lieutenant Alenko’s report, and you did an excellent job given that we had no idea what you were walking into.”

Shepard nodded, swallowing the lump that had gathered in her throat. She was grateful for Anderson’s support, she never would have made it this far without him, but whenever something went wrong on a mission she couldn’t help overthinking every decision or command that she’d made. “Intel really dropped the ball on us Captain, and it cost a good soldier his life.”

Anderson sighed and gave her shoulders another squeeze. “Alexis listen to me,” he said, his words drawing her teary eyes to meet his gaze, strong and full of understanding. “There wasn’t any way any of us could have seen this coming. The Geth haven’t been seen outside of the Perseus Veil in over three hundred years. How they even found out about the beacon is a mystery in and of itself. You have to _finally_ accept that no matter how much intel we have, sometimes things go wrong.”

Shepard closed her eyes, allowing two small tears to slide down her cheeks before inhaling deeply and finally nodding in acceptance of Anderson’s words. He was the closest thing to a father that she had ever had in her life and if he said that there truly wasn’t anything more she could have done, she was inclined to believe him.

“Thank you sir, I appreciate that.” Anderson smiled and gave her shoulders one last firm squeeze before stepping back away from her. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, taking a deep calming breath and pulling the cloak of the soldier back around her, the personal moment giving way to protocol.

“Did we leave Gunnery Chief Williams behind on Eden Prime?”

Anderson shook his head. “No, given what happened with Jenkins, our crew was one short and I thought that she might make a good addition to the crew.”

Shepard nodded curtly, the invisible cloak of professionalism now firmly back in place. “Williams is a good soldier. She fought bravely despite the loss of her unit.”

 “I agree, and based on Lieutenant Alenko’s report, I think that she will make a fine addition to our crew. But Williams isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about, Shepard.”

Shepard uncrossed her arms and stood at parade rest in front of him. Somehow she got the feeling that something other than the mission was bothering her mentor.

“I won’t lie, Shepard, things are looking pretty bad. Nihlus is dead, the beacon was destroyed, and the Geth are invading. The Council is going to want answers.” Anderson ran a tired hand over his face as Shepard swallowed the uneasy lump in her throat with difficulty. “I know that you did nothing wrong, and I will stand behind you and your report one hundred percent. You and your squad are heroes as far as I’m concerned. But again, that isn’t why I needed to speak with you.”

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him but still said nothing. “It’s about Saren, that other turian Lieutenant Alenko’s report mentioned.”

“You’ve heard of him before, Captain?”

 Anderson frowned, but there was an intense fire in his eyes. “Oh yes, I’ve heard of him alright. Saren’s another Spectre. One of the best, and a living legend as far as most are concerned. But if he’s working with the Geth, it means that he’s gone rogue. Any rogue Spectre is trouble, but someone like Saren is dangerous, and he hates humans.”

Shepard chewed her lip as she considered his words. Human hatred would explain the amount of destruction they’d encountered throughout the colony, but then again it could have also been an attempt to eliminate any and all evidence of his own involvement. Something just didn’t feel right about the whole situation. “I’m sorry sir, but I doubt he decimated Eden Prime just because he hates humans.”

 Anderson eyed her for a moment before nodding in acquiescence. “You’re right. As of now all we know is that Saren is allied with the Geth. Ambassador Udina has lodged a formal complaint with the council and C-Sec has launched an investigation. We’re on our way to the Citadel now so that you and your squad can give your evidence in person.”

 Shepard mentally groaned and tried to hide her frown. She’d dealt with Udina a bit after the Blitz. When she had been awarded the Star of Terra, he had paraded her around like some prize show dog, as though he was the sole reason for her success. She had been eternally grateful when her transfer to the ICT program had cut the “tour” short.

 “I’ll be ready, Captain,” she replied with a salute and a determined fire in her eyes. “Saren won’t get away with what he’s done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG thanks to MizDirected for all of her encouragement and her fantastic beta work!


	3. Chapter 3

“Typical.” Slam. “Stupid.” Slam. “Politicians!” Slam. 

Alenko and Williams both watched as Shepard continued to beat her head against the wall of the elevator. An elevator that had to be one of the slowest ever created. 

“Well, hopefully this Garrus Vakarian will be able to help us.” Alenko said as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the elevator wall, grimacing as Shepard gave her head a final, painful sounding slam and growled in frustration. “It sounded like he was getting close to something with his investigation.” 

Shepard closed her eyes and let her head rest on the wall for a few moments, saying nothing. The pain now radiating through her head from her loss of temper eased slightly against the cool metal of the wall, while also allowing her to pull the frayed threads of emotion back tightly around her. It wasn’t so much the meeting itself that had made her lose it. No, it was seeing Saren’s projected image sneering down on her, larger and more imposing than she cared to admit. He was an arrogant asshole, and his snide remarks about Captain Anderson had really set her teeth on edge. Whatever he said about her had been mild and bounced right off. She’d dodged questions about her sanity (or lack thereof) for years. But attacking her mentor… .

Shepard heaved a sigh and pushed herself off the wall as the doors of the elevator opened onto the Presidium. “Can’t say I’m overly thrilled to be taking Udina’s suggestion about this Harkin guy, but I think he has a better chance of knowing where Vakarian is than some Volus banker.” 

“The Shadow Broker is supposed to be the most powerful information broker in the galaxy Commander,” Williams mused as they pushed their way out of the elevator and passed the crowd trying to head back up the tower atrium. 

They had dressed in BDU’s for the meeting with the council, armed only with their pistols and, in Shepard’s case, her combat knife. But now they had been sent to find the C-Sec officer that they’d heard arguing vociferously with Executor Pallain before stopping them as they headed into the meeting. Having never been further into the Citadel than the Presidium before, Shepard had no idea what to expect and was tempted to suggest they head back to the Normandy and gear up properly. 

“You’ve had dealings with the ambassador before Commander?” Alenko asked curiously as he and Williams fell in slightly behind and on either side of her. 

Shepard gave a humorless snort. “Oh yeah, I’ve dealt with him before.” Dark, moody memories of a darkened hallway, hands where they had no right to be, and an almost pleasurable ache in her knee as she’d hit his groin and the splintering crack of his nose as she’d broken it for him. “When I was awarded the Star of Terra, he paraded me around to all sorts of parties here on the Citadel. You’d think it was all his doing that I was in the Alliance and had been invited to the N7 program. Arrogant twat.” she mumbled the last part under her breath, but Williams grinned openly and Alenko pretended to cough in order to hide his laugh. 

“So that’s how you came to be an N7? Because of the Blitz?” Williams asked as they walked down a set of stairs and boarded another elevator that indicated it would take them to the wards. There was a sort of eagerness to her questions, as though she were desperate to know the _real_ story rather than the rumors that circulated around the Alliance barracks. 

“Yup, apparently I impressed some of the brass enough that they could look past my … sketchy history back on Earth.” Heh, now that was the understatement of the millennium. 

Another short hallway, and yet another elevator. Shepard swore under her breath as she pressed the call button and leaned back against the wall. Would it have killed the Prothean’s to install stairs as an alternative to the slowest elevators ever created? She took a couple of deep breaths, dousing the flames of temper with cold water as she closed her eyes and rolled her neck from side to side. 

15 hours of unconsciousness, and 3 hours of diplomatic meeting cluster fucks had really taken a toll on her muscles, though the cracks in her emotional shield were all the meeting’s fault. When the elevator _finally_ came, and they began to descend, she reached back and tried to loosen the knot between her neck and left shoulder. She was so distracted that she had totally lost track of the conversation that Alenko and Williams were having about their families and lives back home. 

“Where on Earth are you from Commander?” Alenko’s voice snapped her back to reality, but almost instantly made her fall back into a memory. 

_Cold, hard floors. A tattered blanket stolen from a garbage bin and a holey, much too thin jacket for a pillow. An old stuffed dog her mother had given her, hidden under a loose floorboard where Jon couldn’t find it. Blood, so much blood stained that damn floor. Roaches and mice scuttling and scurrying behind the moldy, paper thin walls._

She blinked, snapping her brain back into the present, and realized that her hand had stopped her attempted massage mid-movement. She glanced at her squad, seeing their confusion and kicked the memory back into the trunk she usually kept her past locked in. 

“City on the west coast of the United North American States,” she said evasively, hoping to convey that she did not want to talk about it. She turned her face away from the squad, but caught their confused looks in her peripheral vision. Although she already trusted these two with her life, there were some things she would never tell anyone, and the details of her past definitely fell in that category. Even Anderson and Kahlee, the two people who had saved her from a life in prison, only knew bits and pieces. 

When the door finally chimed that they had reached the wards, Shepard led her squad down yet another hallway and into a main thoroughfare before she pulled up her omni-tool and looked at the map she’d downloaded from Avina, the station VI. They still had a bit of a walk ahead of them before they reached Chora’s Den, the sleazy bar Captain Anderson had told them would be their best shot at finding Harkin. But as they headed towards the markets, Shepard spotted a viewing platform that overlooked almost the entire station and it was too stunning to pass up. 

Shepard’s jaw fell open as she and her squad moved up the railing of the platform. In all her years of traveling in space she didn’t think she’d seen anything as beautiful as the Serpent Nebula backdropping the sprawling arms of the station. 

“Big place,” Alenko said, the awe in his voice vocalizing what Shepard felt. 

Williams snickered with amusement. “Way to state the obvious there, LT.”   

“This isn’t a station, it’s a city,” Shepard murmured, finally finding her voice as she craned her neck to see the two arms that were currently positioned above where they stood. “Actually, city is the wrong word. This is a metropolis!” 

“I never realized how many people must live here. I mean, you see the ships and shuttles as you approach. But seeing it from here….” Alenko’s voice trailed off. 

“Jump Zero is the biggest deep space station that the Alliance has. This makes it look like a porta john,” Williams agreed as she too craned her neck for a better look. Sky cars and shuttles zoomed all around the numerous towers jutting out of the ward arms. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard caught Alenko’s tightened jaw at the mention of the Alliance station, but she decided to leave it alone for the moment. If there were things she wasn’t willing to share, she was sure her squad had similar experiences in their own lives. 

“Jump Zero was big,” Alenko acknowledged, his teeth still clenched and his voice trembling slightly with an emotion that Shepard couldn’t really place. A mixture of anger and sadness perhaps. “But this is a whole other scale.” 

Shepard exhaled as she leaned forward, catching a small glimpse of the two ward arms below where they stood. “I guess it’s not really a wonder that the council is so careful with newcomers. They represent more races than I thought. Can’t be easy to get them to all play nice in the sandbox together.” She was really starting to understand their reluctance. Humanity had only joined the galactic community twenty-six years ago. 

Williams scoffed, “Or maybe they just don’t like humans.” 

Alenko looked over at the Chief with a raised eyebrow. “You really believe that? We’ve made extraordinary gains in the time since the end of First Contact. If the shoe had been on the other foot and aliens had stumbled across Earth, do you think our governments would have been half as welcoming?” 

“Besides, what’s not to love about us?” Shepard asked with a smile, her shoulder bumping the Chief in an attempt to lighten the mood. “We’ve got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love, though I’m sure that’s a cross species thing.” 

Alenko snickered and grinned mischievously. “Pretty sure oceans are too, ma’am.” 

Shepard feigned deafness as she went on. “According to the old vids, we’ve got everything they could ever want.” She spread her arms wide and twirled on the spot, eliciting a laugh from both squad members. 

“Well when you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t love you.” Alenko said, flashing her a smile. Shepard’s eyes widened and heat crept up her neck. Alenko seemed to realize he’d said that out loud and tried to cover it up. “Um, us I mean. Humans, ma’am.” He looked anywhere but at her, his face and neck tinged with deep red. 

Despite covering her mouth, William’s amusement at the two of them bubbled out in a laugh. “You don’t take much shore leave, do you, LT?” 

Alenko’s slightly olive complexion was now thoroughly tinged with spots of red and pink reaching almost all the way up to his hairline, and despite her own embarrassment, Shepard took pity of him. 

“Alright, laugh it up Chief.” She looked over at Alenko and tried to give him her best “Commander” face, but it was kind of cute to see him so embarrassed. The heat from her neck crept further upwards as she took in his sheepish expression, suddenly hyper aware that Lieutenant Alenko was a very good looking man. But she was his commanding officer, and there were regs for a reason. She knew that it would be very dangerous to go down that path. “I appreciate the thought Alenko, but we’re on duty here.” 

Alenko gave her a surprised, yet grateful look. Obviously expecting a full dressing down for his slip up, he said, “Uh, aye aye, ma’am.” 

Williams snickered again and pushed off the railing. “I’ll walk drag, ma’am.” Shepard narrowed her eyes in an attempt to glare at the other woman, but William’s coy smile just grew bigger. With a huff, and the accompanying laugh from Williams, she led her squad further into the wards. 

Shepard gulped loudly as the door to the upper markets opened. She wasn’t a claustrophobe, you couldn’t be if you lived on ships for months at a time, but the number of people crammed into the upper market area could have turned her into one. They fought their way towards the back stalls, taking small breaks to look at a couple of the stands and browse some of the upgrades available for purchase. Shepard and Alenko stood discussing some of the weapon upgrades while Williams looked through the different hard suites. She had confided in Shepard that she detested the pink phoenix armor that she’d been wearing on Eden Prime, but the supply sergeant at the base hadn’t had anything else to fit her slight frame. Or, that had been his story at least. 

Finding nothing that really interested them, they made their way towards the stairs to the lower market, chatting amiably about the kinds of upgrades or omni-tools they would love to buy if they could afford them. 

“I need something that can overclock my shields. If I’m pinned and need to take a rifle shot, I want something that can take a few hits before needing a recharge.” Shepard explained as they began descending the stairs. “I’d _love_ to get one of the Serrice Council Savants, but they’re so expensive!” 

“The Logic Arrest is a good lower cost option, Commander.” Alenko said. “Serrice Council priced the Savants way too high to make them practical for field use.” 

“Commander Shepard!” 

Shepard stopped, allowing the other two to pass her, and glanced over her shoulder in confusion. “Did you guys hear something?” 

Shepard felt Williams brush against her shoulder as they both stood on tiptoe to peer over the crowd. 

“Commander Shepard!” the voice called again. Shepard craned her neck, trying to get as much height as her five foot five frame would give her, and noticed a man not much older than she was running and waving frantically at her, a wide, overly excited grin on his face.

“Who the heck is that?” Williams asked, surprise and suspicion clearly evident in her voice as Alenko fought his way back to their side. The three of them shared a guarded look and the two officers fell back into their positions on either side of their commander. 

“I have no idea,” Shepard replied equally suspicious as the man fought his way over to them. She didn’t get a threatening vibe from him, but she decided to error on the side of caution anyway. “Stay alert you two.” 

“Can I help you with something, sir?” she asked. She let all evidence of her good humor fall from her face, the professional soldier mask easily taking its place, as the stranger finally drew level with them. 

The man grinned from ear to ear and bounced on the balls of his feet. He looked as though the mere sight of her was one of the most exciting things to ever happen to him. “Wow, it’s really you! The hero of Eden Prime!” he grabbed her hand and gave it a few firm and exuberant shakes. “It is such an honour to meet you, Commander!” 

Shepard’s face flushed as she gently, yet firmly, pulled her hand from his grasp. He wasn’t the first “fan” she’d come across, but he certainly was one of the more exuberant ones. Meeting strangers that either stared at or were openly in awe of her always made her feel like an animal at a zoo.“Uh, nice to meet you too. And you are?” 

“My name is Conrad! Conrad Verner! Wow, I can’t believe I’m meeting you.”  He clapped his hands excitedly and bounced on his feet again. “They say you killed more than a hundred geth on Eden Prime!” 

She heard Alenko and Williams snickering behind her. She tried to keep her face passive as the heat of embarrassment flooded her whole face, making even her ears burn. She slowly moved her left arm behind her back, careful not to make any sudden movements, and gave the two laughing officers the bird, but it only caused them to snicker louder. 

“Uh, I’m pretty sure that’s a big exaggeration. Honestly, I was just trying to stay alive and help the colonists,” she answered, taking a small step back from him. Everything she had done had been as part of a team. Well, except Elysium. The little rag-tag team of colonists and vacationers she’d fought with hadn’t survived until the Alliance reinforcements had arrived. But even then, she didn’t consider herself better than anyone else. Luckier maybe, but not better. 

“Hey, I know you’re probably really busy, but would you have time for a quick autograph?” Conrad asked as he held a data pad out to her, interrupting her internal musings. Stunned at his sudden change to an almost child-like shyness, Shepard sighed. Refusing would probably crush him, so she sucked in a deep breath and smiled. 

“Sure, anything for a fan,” she replied as she took the pad from him and scribbled a quick signature on it. 

Conrad beamed at her as he took the pad back. “Wow! Thank you so much! My wife is going to be so impressed that I actually met you. I’d love to buy you a drink the next time you’re on Earth!” 

Shepard took another slight step back from him, her lower lip firmly between her teeth, but he didn’t seem to notice as he turned and waved goodbye to them. “Thanks again, Commander!” 

Williams and Alenko burst into raucous laughter as soon as he stepped out of earshot.

“Looks like you have a fan, Commander.” Alenko grinned as Shepard turned back to face them. 

A shudder ran down her spine as she glared at them both. “Not another word, you two. And you know, you could have interrupted and gotten me out of there. What the hell kind of backup was that?” 

“Why ever would we do that, ma’am? He seemed to be falling over himself to meet you.” Alenko’s grin grew bigger and his shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. 

“Yeah.” Williams laughed as Shepard began to descend the stairs ahead of them. “I’m sure he almost pissed himself when you actually stopped to talk to him.” 

Shepard shook her head as they made their way through the crowded lower market and found the door that led out of the markets and toward Chora’s Den. “Just my luck that I get a couple of comedians as my squad.” 

“Sorry, Commander, but the look on your face was pretty priceless,” Alenko replied, his tone conciliatory as they passed through the door and into alleyway. 

Shepard was about to respond when movement across the walkway caught her eye. Two men, one turian and one human, leapt out of the shadows and took aim. 

Time slowed to a crawl as Shepard took in their assault rifles and the close quarters. “Get down,” she shouted, all hint of amusement gone from her voice. Time sped back to normal as she dove head first behind the small wall separating the walkways. Rounds pelted her shields, pain searing down her left arm as a round made it through. Swearing as she unclipped her pistol, she pushed aside the pain and popped up, returning fire. 

“Alenko,” she shouted over the high staccato of the assassin assault rifles beating against their cover. “See if you can grab one of them in a stasis, so Williams and I can finish him off!” 

“On it, Commander!”  A blue mist began to swirl around his body as he gathered the dark energy of his biotics around him. He sprang, graceful as a lion, his hands making a mnemonic gesture and capturing one of the bastards. 

“Now, Williams!” she ordered, and the two of them popped out of cover, their pistols beating a loud bass against the incoming rifle fire. They repeated the actions and dispatched the second assailant, their shields only taking a minor beating. 

Once she was certain their attackers had been dispatched, Shepard allowed the pain of her wound to pass through the barrier her combat adrenaline had erected. She swore loudly and hissed in pain as she twisted her arm around to get a closer look at the now burning area. To her untrained eye, it looked as though the round had only grazed her, but an angry red mark and trickle of bubbling liquid were oozing out of the wound. Her stomach churned slightly as a the strong smell of blood and whatever the ooze was, hit her nostrils. 

“Chemical rounds,” Alenko confirmed her suspicion as he rushed to her side and looked at the wound. “Lucky it was only a grazing shot, Commander.” 

She hissed through clenched teeth, swearing up a storm under her breath as Alenko worked to disinfect and seal the wound with medi-gel. “Shit that smarts,” the disinfectant had stopped the burning around the wound, but her fingers were starting to tingle. Whatever that chemical was, it was fast acting. Had she been alone, she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to find help in time. 

“Sorry, Commander,” his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as he worked. “I want to make sure I get all of this cleaned. Whatever they were using to coat those rounds was starting to react with your blood.” 

“Bastards,” Williams muttered as she went over to check their bodies for identification. “Hundred credits says these are Saren’s men, Commander. He must be getting nervous.” 

Shepard watched as Alenko tied off a small bandage to cover the now sealed wound. Their eyes met as he finished, and she noticed an angry fire still burned in their hazel depths. 

_Holy crap_ … .  Her heart was hammering so hard she was sure it had propelled itself into her throat to strangle her. She swallowed the treacherous organ back down and gave him a small nod, the unspoken “I’m good” passing between them. _Shepard, you are treading on dangerous ground now._

With a hasty, but imperceptible shake of her head, she pulled out his grasp and flexed her arm, wiggling her fingers to make sure that she still had full range of motion. “Let’s just find this fucker and get back to the Normandy. If Saren is sending assassins after us, we must be on the right track.” 

All other thoughts fled her mind however as the door to Chora’s den whispered open to reveal …  a strip bar. 

“Oh peachy,” she muttered, rubbing her temple in frustration with her injured arm and pressing her right ear closed with the other in an attempt to ward off the deafening bass cacophony that, apparently, passed for music here. “Just the cherry I needed to top off this _perfect_ day.” 

“Um,” Alenko stammered as he came to an abrupt stop next to her, the dark lighting doing nothing to hide the dark pink patches now coloring his face. “This … is totally not what I was expecting.” 

“A million light years from where humanity began, and we walk into a bar filled with men drooling over half naked women shaking their asses on a stage.” Williams muttered in disgust from her other side. “Honestly, I can’t decide if that’s funny or sad.” 

Alenko tilted his head, his mouth open in astonishment as his stare followed one of the asari dancers above the bar. She gyrated and spun around a poll, contorting her body into a position Shepard was positive no human could do. 

“Hey Lieutenant? You might want to put your tongue back into your mouth before you trip on it.” Williams sneered, her disgusted tone snapping him out of his enamored stupor.

The red in Alenko’s cheeks flooded all the way into his hair again. “I … I didn’t mean to stare,” he protested as the two women gave him dirty, disbelieving looks. “I’ve just never seen anyone move like that. Hell, I didn’t even know it was possible!” 

Despite her disgust and hatred of their surroundings, Shepard couldn’t help but find his embarrassed protestations somewhat endearing. She shook her head and scanned the club, spotting a lone figure sitting alone at one of the back tables. The music changed and the bass swallowed all conversation around her. Grimacing, Shepard motioned her squad to follow her around the tables and towards the back of the club. 

As they walked further in and towards the back tables, Shepard noticed a small dark hallway leading off the main area. Two krogan stood in front of it, gesturing animatedly and having what looked like a heated conversation. The music continued to pound through her skull,  too loud to hear what they were saying even as they drew level, but the bigger one was leering at the one who seemed to be guarding the hallway and the door she could just make out at the end of it. When they were nearly beside them, the bigger one turned on his heel and shoved past the squad, his massive bulk sending Shepard flying. Positive that she was about to kiss the floor, she was startled when Alenko lunged forward, grabbing her shoulders, and setting her back on her feet. 

“Out of my way humans, I have no quarrel with you.” The krogan’s anger radiated off of his huge armored body in powerful waves. The air behind him hummed with electricity, the faint smell of ozone trailing him. _A biotic krogan?_

“What the hell was that about?” Alenko asked as the three of them stared after the krogan. 

“Who knows, let’s just try not to get in the middle of it,” Williams replied with an unconcerned shake of her head.  “Let’s just find this Harkin guy so we can get the hell out of here.”

All three of them moved off to the side and scanned the club. All they really knew about Harkin was that he was the first human that had been admitted into C-Sec. Anderson had mentioned that he’d been there for years, so they were looking for a middle aged human. As their weren’t all that many of their species here, they didn’t think he would be _too_ hard to find. 

“Hey, I think that’s our guy over there.” Williams pointed to the table in the shadows that Shepard had caught a glimpse of earlier. A balding man with what looked to be a permanent frown etched on his face was sipping a drink and closely watching two of the dancers that, as Williams put it, were ‘shaking their asses’ above the bar. 

Shepard frowned, the hairs on the back of her neck standing up as led the way over to him. When he caught sight of her, a leering smile crossed his face as he sat back to watch her approach. Her lip curled in disgust as she recognized his expression. She’d seen it on mens faces dozens of times before. First on the streets, and then later when she’d gone out alone to drink. It was the look of a lecherous predator. Someone who had no qualms about taking what he wanted from others. 

“Well, hey there, sweetheart,” he said as the squad came to a stop in front of him. “You looking for some fun?” Shepard crossed her arms in front of her chest and cocked her hip out, pointedly showing the pistol holstered there. His eyes roved up and down her body, the hungry gleam in his eyes intensifying as he pushed his chair back and leaned on its back legs. “Cause I gotta say, that soldier getup looks _real_ fine on that bod of yours. Why not sit that pretty little ass down and have a drink with old Harkin?” 

Shepard suddenly felt the air behind her change. She glanced back and saw a faint blue glow starting to climb its way up Alenko’s arms. She caught his eye, a little surprised to see faint hints of blue there as well, and shook her head almost imperceptibly. She knew how to deal with assholes like this. 

Quick as a flash, she crouched down and kicked her leg out, sweeping the legs of his chair out from under him. He crashed to the floor with a thump that matched perfectly with a loud beat of the bass radiating from the speakers surrounding them. No one noticed as she stood over him, a disgusted sneer firm on her face. “I’d rather drink a cup of acid after chewing on a razor blade.” 

Harkin’s own sneer was back in place. “What? Was that supposed to hurt my feelings? After twenty years in C-Sec I’ve been called every name in the book princess.” He pulled himself up from the floor, and righted his overturned chair. “So what the hell do you want then?” 

Shepard cocked her head to the side, appearing to consider for a moment, but before Harkin could reach for his drink, her fist connected with his jaw and sent him sprawling again. 

“Firstly, don’t _ever_ call me _princess_.” She hissed, her voice dangerously low, but just loud enough that he could hear her as she crouched next to his sprawled form. “And second, I’m looking for Garrus Vakarian. I was told you’d know where to find him.” A few of the other patrons looked over when she laid him out, but no one attempted to step in and help him. 

“Alright, alright!” Harkin shouted as the music picked up again. “Fuck, what the hell is your problem?” He pushed himself and his chair upright a second time and glowered at her as he rubbed his jaw. “Garrus you say? Why? You gonna lay him out too, or you got a thing for aliens?” 

“Keep talking to me like that and you’ll be picking your teeth up off the floor,” Shepard said, her voice taking on an even more dangerous, almost snarling tone. “Now tell me where Garrus is.” 

"Okay, okay! Jeez, you must be one of Anderson's crew." Harkin sneered, a malevolent gleam in his eyes as he massaged his now throbbing jaw. "Poor bastard's still trying to bring Saren down after all these years." 

"Don't talk about things you know nothing about, asshole," Alenko seethed as he came to stand next to Shepard. "You weren't on Eden Prime." 

Harkin gave Alenko another of his leering smiles. "What's the matter boy? Have to follow a woman into battle?" His eyes flicked back to Shepard. "Must be a nice view though. I'd wanna follow her too." 

"You're just asking for pain, aren't you?" Williams asked as Alenko's biotics began to flicker again. 

Harkin's face paled when he noticed the blue sheen crawling over Alenko's skin. Shepard put a restraining hand on her lieutenant's shoulder, silently ordering him to stand down. 

Shepard turned back to Harkin, her eyes cold and steely. "Tell us what we want to know, and we'll let you get back to your pathetic excuse of a life." 

"Heh, sure I know where Garrus is, but you tell me something first. Did the Captain let you in on his dirty little secret?" Harkin’s beady eyes bored into Shepard’s angry green depths. She crossed her arms over her chest again and tried to stare him down, but he wouldn't flinch. 

"See it's all related. Your captain used to be a Spectre. He was the first human ever given that honour, and then he blew it. Though it was all very hush hush. He screwed up his mission so bad that they kicked him out, but of course, he blames Saren. Says the turian set him up." 

"And how the hell would you know all of this if it was all hushed up?" Shepard's voice held nothing but a calm neutrality, but Harkin had touched a nerve. Everything about the creep set her teeth on edge. 

"I spent twenty years working cases here on the citadel, and one thing I've learned is that people _love_ to talk." He grinned at her again. "Secrets are like herpes. If you've got 'em, you may as well spread 'em around." 

Shepard’s jaw fell open in horror. "You're disgusting." 

Harkin just laughed and reached for his drink. "Just noticed that now, did you?" 

"Commander, let's go," Williams said, her own disgust with Harkin evident as she came to stand on Shepard’s other side. "This piece of shit obviously doesn't know where Vakarian is." 

Harkin glared up at Williams, apparently finally tired of the game he’d tried to play."Garrus was snooping around Dr. Michel's clinic here in the wards. Why don't you go visit some of your hospitality on him, and leave me in peace?" 

Shepard gave him a withering look and turned on her heel to leave. Another moment with him and he would be eating out of a straw for a month, even if it got her hauled in front of a disciplinary committee. 

As they marched by one of the other tables, an older turian caught her attention and she stopped. "Isn't that the one that the Consort asked us to talk to?" She asked her squad as they came to stand beside her. 

"I don't know. All turians look alike to me." Williams shrugged. 

"He does fit her description, Commander." Alenko agreed. Shepard nodded and walked over to his table. 

"Commander?" the old turian mumbled drunkenly as they approached. "What do you want?"

Shepard studied him for a moment and debated telling him that Sha'ira had sent her, but her instincts were telling her to handle this one a bit differently. 

"What's bothering you, General? A man of your stature shouldn't be in a dive like this." She waved her hand to indicate the dancers. 

The General gave a humorless laugh and reached for his glass. "I've seen a lot of horrible things in my time, and only one woman in this galaxy has ever helped me forget them." 

"So, if you feel that way, why are you spreading lies about her?" Alenko asked from his position behind Shepard. Shepard could have kicked him, but oddly enough, the General didn’t seem at all offended by the straightforward question. 

He wavered drunkenly in his chair, a hint of pride and ego seeping through the drunken haze. "Because she rejected me! Me! Septimus Oraka, general of the turian fleet!" 

Shepard rolled her eyes. Honestly, men could be so dense. "I do understand, General, but if you really love her, you need to stop spreading lies about her and start acting like the man she knows you truly are." 

Oraka sighed and covered his eyes in shame. "Look kid, I appreciate what you're trying to do. But don't waste your time." 

Shepard crossed her arms stubbornly. "Did moping in a bar ever win you a battle, General?" 

Oraka's shoulders shook as he laughed, but there was no humor in his voice. "War. That's what this feels like alright." He looked up at the squad blearily. "How did I let it come to this?" 

"Love can make us do crazy and stupid things," Shepard replied with a small smile. 

The General sighed and nodded his head. "So you think it's that easy huh? Just straighten up and act like a General?" 

"Sure as hell would be more productive than sitting in this bar and trying to drown in booze," Williams piped in. 

Oraka looked at the three of them for a moment before nodding. "Maybe you're right. Sha'ira's worth the effort. Though I doubt she'll have me back after what I've done." 

"Never say never, General. She might surprise you," Shepard said, a full blown smile threatening to overwhelm her. 

"Alright! I'll go to her … after I've had a cold shower. Or two." 

The smile bloomed over her face. "Glad to hear it, sir." 

"Heh, you're a bright kid Commander." Oraka cocked his head in contemplation. "Would you be interested in earning a few extra credits and helping me with something?" 

_Oy, so many 'favours', so little time._

"How can I help, sir?" 

Oraka fidgeted for a moment. "There's an elcor diplomat out there who believes that Sha'ira gave up his secrets." 

"And why exactly would he think that?" She had a feeling she could guess the answer. 

"Because I told him." The turian sighed. 

Shepard face palmed and looked skyward, but said nothing. 

"I just need you to convince him of the truth," the General mumbled, embarrassment and shame thick in his dual tones. 

"And why exactly would he take my word for it?" Shepard sighed. 

"You'll bring him proof," he said as he reached into the chair next to him and handed her a data pad. "Just take this to him. It will exonerate Sha'ira and tell him who the true traitor is." 

"Where can I find him?" Shepard asked in resignation as she glanced at the data. 

"His name is Xeltan, and you will probably find him in the embassy that the Elcor share with the Volus." 

"Ooohhh, that was what he was fretting about. Yeah, we met him before when we were waiting for our meeting." Shepard nodded, finally understanding why the Elcor had been so upset. She gave the general a warm smile. “Sure, General. I’ll take care of it for you.” 

Oraka returned the smile. “Much appreciated, Commander.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Notes: HUGE thanks to MizDirected for all of her lovely help with this chapter. Apologies that it took me so long to update this, but my personal life took a turn for the worse and my muse decided to take an extended vacation. But I'm back now!


	4. Chapter 04

Shepard’s heart beat so hard and fast in her chest she swore it had been replaced by a marching drumline. She replayed all of the incriminating evidence inside her head. All the evidence they needed to prove Saren’s betrayal had been giftwrapped with a neat little bow and dropped into their laps thanks to a very plucky, tech-savvy quarian teenager named Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. No way the council could turtle up this time.

Upon returning to the presidium and Udina’s pristine office, Shepard bit down on a malicious spirited grin as Udina took in their filthy, blood spattered appearance and a disgusted sneer twisted his usually smug face. She braced herself for the usual dressing down as the ambassador opened his mouth, but then his stare slipped passed her and landed on Urdnot Wrex. Wrex’s blood red eyes and imposing stature appeared to have pinned the Ambassador in place, keeping him silent and at a distance.

Shepard fought doubly hard to wrestle down the grin and smartass remark that danced in her mind when her eyes caught Anderson’s. At least, he seemed pleased to see them ... until he caught sight of her bandaged arm. She watched as his eyes changed from amused to concerned, bordering on angry. She shifted uncomfortably. Anderson’s stare always made her squirm, and probably always would. She shrugged, then winced, barely managing to swallow a pained grunt before it escaped. Anderson’s brows furrowed, the anger evaporating back into concern before making way to exasperation. She could almost hear the sigh as his eyes shifted to the ceiling. She gave him a sheepish half smile and forcing her attention back to the meeting. Tali’s recording had just ended.

“Wait … Reapers. Why does that sound so damn familiar all of a sudden?” she wondered out loud.

Tali turned toward her, the base shape of the alien girls nose and the reflective glint of her eyes just visible through her purple tinted faceplate.

“According to the geth, the Reapers were a race of hyper-advanced machines that hunted the Protheans to total extinction fifty thousand years ago. The geth revere the Reapers as gods, the pinnacle of all non-organic life. And they believe Saren knows how to bring them back.”

Udina scoffed, clearly unimpressed, and Shepard’s jaw slammed closed, preventing her scathing comment from escaping. In her peripheral vision, Wrex stood a little straighter, either picking up on her sudden tension, or he’d already had enough of Udina’s attitude. Either way, she noticed the ambassador’s adam's apple bob heavily as he stood his ground. Wrex growled, the sound so soft that had she not been right next to him, she would have missed it. She unclenched her jaw, her anger easing as she enjoyed the invisible pissing contest between the krogan bounty hunter and ambassador. Finally, someone besides her saw what a dick he was and had the balls to challenge him. After a few moments Udina took a small step back, and she cleared her throat to cover the glee that nearly burst forth.

She turned towards Anderson, and saw the corner of his mouth twitch with amusement as well. They did share a dislike for Udina, but Anderson generally buried his behind a thick wall of professionalism.

She pulled her own professional mask back into place and addressed the captain. “Well, that explains the vision from the beacon. I saw the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers. Now the question is, what the _hell_ is the conduit?”

Anderson folded his arms and gave a partial shrug. “Some kind of Prothean technology? A weapon maybe? But at least this proves that the bastard was involved with what happened on Eden Prime.”

“And we know he had help,” Tali added. “Whoever that other voice belongs to is just as guilty as Saren for what happened to your colony.”

Udina scoffed, clearly not liking to feel left out. “The council is just going to _love_ this.”

Shepard bristled, his attitude reigniting her anger in a flash. “You wanted me to find the evidence to prove our claims, and I did. It doesn’t matter if they like it or not, they can no longer ignore the truth. It’s _your_ job to make them take us seriously, Udina. Not mine.”

His eyes narrowed at her, apparently trying to initiate yet another pissing contest, but he seemed to rethink the idea and just nodded his head. “You are correct, Commander. We must inform the council of your findings. Anderson and I will go ahead to set up the meeting.” He walked through their small group, being careful to stay clear of Wrex, and headed for the door. It wooshed open at his approach, but he stopped just inside and turned back towards them.

“And, Commander? At least try to make yourself look presentable. This could be a big moment for humanity as a whole. No need to let them think that a common gutter rat is the best we as a species have to offer.”

Shepard’s cheeks burned with anger and humiliation as she looked down at her tattered and dirty BDU, but by the time she looked back to hurl a retort, the sound of his dress shoes echoed down the hallway away from them.

A warm hand rested on her shoulder and she looked up to meet Anderson’s paternal gaze. “Head back to the Normandy, and get cleaned up, Shepard. Make sure that Dr. Chakwas takes a look at that wound as well and then meet us at the tower.”

Shepard inhaled deeply and gave a stiff nod, trying to pull her mental shield back into place around the wound Udina’s parting remark had managed to inflict. She locked eyes with Alenko and motioned him to take the lead with the rest of the squad. She noticed a flash of something in his eyes, but he turned away from her before she could identify it.

Wrex fell in step beside her as they all left the office. “You know, Shepard. Just say the word and I’ll deal with that politician for you. I’ll even do it for a reduced fee and make it look like an accident.”

A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she glanced at the krogan from the corner of her eye. “Tempting, but I think for right now he has a purpose.”

Wrex grunted in response. “He’s a politician, a weakling that could never cut it out in the wider galaxy. Their purpose is fleeting, and they always come crying to warriors like us when their quad proves too small for the job.”

Shepard burst into laughter and Wrex grinned as they climbed into the skycab. 

_*    *    *_

While she went with Garrus to hand in his resignation from C-Sec, Alenko had gone on ahead with the crew to the council chambers, hoping to catch a few minutes repreve before the meeting. Almost all the Normandy’s officers had decided to attend and watch from the viewing gallery. Even Joker decided to abandon his already well worn pilot seat. Shepard suspected that it had something to do with the death of Jenkins and so many others being flouted by the council. The death of the young private had hit them all hard.

Executor Venari Pallin had not been pleased to see her walk in with one of his officers, and even less pleased when Garrus handed him his resignation, something he’d apparently had prepared for sometime. When Pallin had tried to argue and refuse his resignation, Garrus simply turned on his heel and marched out of the office, his head held high. Shepard had caught the fury in Pallin’s glare and hustled out of his office behind Garrus before the Executor could gather the steam to start yelling at her. She had enough of a headache already, and knew that the council meeting was likely to add another hammer to the almost deafening cacophony beating in her ears.      

But as they rode the forever long elevator up the tower, Shepard could not get the uneasy, guilty feeling in the pit of her stomach to ease. Garrus had just thrown a stable job with a bright future away to go chasing Saren with her. What if when they were done, he couldn’t return to C-Sec? What if the council still rejected their evidence? Her usually well contained anxiety roared into hyper overdrive thinking of all the ways this meeting could go wrong.

Dressed in the more traditional version of Alliance dress blues, she paced back and forth in the confined space of the front of the elevator, occasionally running her clammy hands down her black pencil skirt. She touched her Star of Terra, making sure that it sat perfectly straight and lined up with her various other mission commendation medals, and drew in a deep breath as the elevator began to slow even more, indicating that they were nearing the end of the line.

“Spirits, Shepard, is there something wrong with your shoes?” Garrus asked, a hint of wonder in his dual-toned voice.

Shepard stopped mid-movement and looked nervously down at her shoes. The black patent leather of her medium heels was polished to a mirror shine, and her legs looked tanned and perfect in her nylons. Even her overly self critical eyes could only barely make out the scars that dotted her calves.

“No, why?” she asked after she’d assured herself she looked perfectly respectable.

“Well, I’ve just never seen a human move from side to side like that before. Unless, you know, they’re in combat.” he glanced down at her feet again. “And honestly, human feet have always puzzled me. They’re just so … small. And the shoes I’ve seen some women wearing look like torture devices.”

Shepard mouth fell open, words utterly failing her. She and Garrus just stared at each other, not even noticing that the elevator had stopped or that the door had opened to admit them into the tower courtyard.

Finally, a laugh bubbled up her throat and burst the dumbfounded silence. Garrus’ mandibles fluttered as he joined in her laughter. She wasn’t sure whether he’d been serious or not, but he managed to break the shell of nervous anxiety she wrapped herself in.

Her heels clicked on the stone floor as they walked passed the fountain and towards their waiting party members, laughing the whole way. Garrus walked in front, obviously pleased, if a bit confused, that he’d gotten Shepard to snap out of her funk. He nodded at Alenko and proceeded to engage the young quarian in conversation.

“I think the council is waiting for us, Commander. We probably shouldn’t keep them waiting any longer than necessary,” Kaidan informed her as she moved to stand next to him.

His words punctured her happy bubble somewhat, the anxiety crashing back over her as she drew her lower lip between her teeth and nodded, but her feet felt glued to the stone floor and she made no move towards the chamber. As the two aliens continued to chat, Shepard closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, finding some small comfort in the smell of the cherry blossoms that bloomed around them and the soothing sound of the fountain gurgling below them.

Everything will be fine, she repeated to herself over and over again. You did your job, proved Saren betrayed them. They will listen to you this time.

The hairs on the back of her neck tingled, and she opened her eyes to find Alenko staring at her. They held one another’s gaze, green eyes staring into hazel brown. There was something so familiar about his eyes … .

“Shepard!” She jumped, breaking free of her musing and the suffocating blanket of anxiety and saw Anderson standing waiting for them at the foot of the stairs. Heat of embarrassment flooded her face as she took in his stern expression. He looked as though he was being pushed to the limit of his patience, and she really didn’t want to be the one responsible if he snapped.

Taking a deep breath to smother the last of her anxiety once and for all, she straightened her posture, squared her shoulders and walked with a renewed purpose towards her mentor and the meeting beyond. Whatever happened now, she had done everything she could. Alenko fell into step on her left, her unofficial second on the field, with Garrus and Tali close behind at her six.

“The meeting has already started,” Anderson said, pressing the words out from between clenched teeth as they met him, and he fell into step on her right. “I know you don’t like the Ambassador, Shepard, but trying to kill him with an aneurysm is not the route you should be taking.”

“Yes sir,” she murmured, a hint of smartassed defiance coloring her words as they entered the chamber proper and proceeded up the ramp towards the Ambassador. “Just make sure he keeps his distance. That cologne of his makes me want to punch him again.” Anderson shot a burning look of warning at her as the council and Udina came into view, but she ignored it, blinking and offering him her best innocent smile.

“Commander Shepard,” the asari councilor, Tevos, called as they approached. “Ambassador Udina tells us you have new information proving that Spectre Saren Arterius has betrayed this council.”

“Hopefully this time it is something more than a “vision” you supposedly got from the beacon, or a scared, easily influenced human dock worker.” The air quotes and sneering tone from the turian councilor, Sparatus, told her that he would be the toughest of the three to convince.

The squad stopped a short distance behind Udina, who shot a distasteful look over his shoulder at her. Shepard narrowed her eyes in return before wiping her face of all emotion and stepping forward to answer the councilors.

“We have councilors. I would like to present Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, and Officer Garrus Vakarian of C-Sec. Both of them have evidence to present that, I believe, proves what Ambassador Udina and I have been saying all along with regards to Saren and his conduct on Eden Prime.”

The turian councilor’s eyes narrowed as he looked at Garrus. “Officer Vakarian, I was given to understand that Executor Pallin had closed your investigation before the last meeting of this council.”

Garrus stepped forward to stand next to Shepard and met Sparatus’s narrow-eyed stare with a defiant one of his own. “He did sir, but I felt that there was more to Commander Shepard’s charges than I was able to uncover in the short time this council provided. So I worked on my own time until I was satisfied every avenue had been exhausted.”

“And what did you discover?” the salarian councilor, Valern, asked, a mix of interest and disbelieving derision in his voice.

“Fist, a known criminal operating here on the Citadel, and a one-time operative of the Shadow Broker, had a contract out on his life from the Broker for betraying him and joining forces with Saren. Fist’s cohorts tried to intimidate Dr. Chloe Michel into silence after she help put Tali’Zorah in contact with him. Dr Michel was unaware that the Broker was no longer Fist’s employer. With Commander Shepard’s help, we were able to save Tali from the operatives Saren had dispatched to kill her.”

“And why would Spectre Arterius be so concerned about this particular quarian?” Valern asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “What could she possibly have that would justify such extreme actions?”

Shepard watched Garrus glance back at Tali, pretty sure his expression amounted to the turian equivalent of a smug grin, and she had to fight down a smug grin of her own. “I’ll let her play it for you.”  
  
Tali stepped forward to stand next to Garrus, her omni-tool alight as she pulled up the file they’d first heard in Ambassador Udina’s office.  
  
Shepard suppressed a shudder, her fists clenched tightly behind her back and her nails biting into her palms as Saren’s cold voice filled the council chamber. “Eden Prime was a major victory. The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the conduit.”  
  
“And one step closer to the return of the Reapers.” answered the cold, almost monotone voice of his accomplice.

Shepard watched in interest as Sparatus’s mandibles twitched and his mouth fell slightly open. “This … where did you get this?”

Tali closed down her omni-tool and blinked her reflective eyes at the councilors. Shepard wished she could read her expressions better. But her voice was calm and steady, and Shepard guessed that speaking to important people was not unknown territory to the quarian girl. “While heading to Illium to begin my Pilgrimage, my friend Keenah'Breizh and I encountered geth presence on an ice planet in the Crescent Nebula. We managed to deactivate one of the geth and extract this recording from it’s memory banks. We were chased from Illium to the Citadel by Saren’s assassins. They killed Keenah'Breizh and wounded me before I managed to escape them.” She looked back at Shepard, and there was the faintest hint of a thankful smile visable through her faceplate. “If it weren’t for the Commander and her friends, Fist and his men would have succeeded in killing me.”

A heavy silence hung in the chambers at Tali’s pronouncement, and Shepard felt a pang of guilt for the girl. Despite demonstrating no small amount of skill during the brief fight against Saren’s men, she remained a scared kid, possessing a naivety that provoked Shepard’s protective streak. She reached forward and gave Tali’s shoulder a comforting squeeze, motioning with her head for the two of them to step back.

Udina stepped to the head of their group again, his face hard as he addressed the councilors. “You wanted proof? There it is.”

Sparatus exhaled and ran a shaking hand over his crest. “This evidence is irrefutable, Ambassador.” He looked at the two others beside him. All three looked as though they had been shaken to their very cores. “Saren will be stripped of his Spectre status, and every effort will be made to bring him to justice for his crimes.”

“I … I recognize the other voice. The one talking to Saren,” Tevos said, her voice shaking slightly as she looked at her two companions. “That was Matriarch Benezia.”

Shepard cocked an expectant eyebrow at Tevos. “And she would be?”

“Matriarch’s are powerful asari who have entered the final stage of their lives. They are revered for their wisdom and experience, and serve as guides and mentors to my people.” Tevos shifted uncomfortably under the chamber’s scrutiny as mutters broke out among the onlookers in the chamber. “Benezia is a very powerful biotic, and she has many followers. She will make a very formidable ally for Saren.”

Shepard’s shoulders fell along with the boulder that plunged into her gut. Saren and his geth were bad enough, now they’d have to contend with a powerful asari matriarch too? Truly the universe had a terrible sense of humor.

Councilor Valern uncrossed his arms and leaned forward against the console in front of him. “Truthfully I am more interested in these Reapers. What do you know about them?”

Anderson stepped forward to stand next to his protoge. “Only what was in the Geth’s memory core. The Reapers were an ancient race of machines that wiped out the Protheans before vanishing fifty thousand years ago. Apparently, the geth revere them as gods and believe that Saren is the prophet for their return.”

“We believe that the conduit is the key,” Shepard added, as she set her shoulders and clasped her hands behind her back, her cool professionalism shoving aside the mounting feelings of dread. “Saren’s searching for it, and that’s why he attacked Eden Prime.”

“Do we even know what the conduit is?” Valern asked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Shepard’s eyes narrowed at him. “Saren thinks it will bring back the Reapers. I think that’s enough to be getting on with.”

Sparatus scoffed, recovering some of the arrogance he’d lost upon hearing the recording. “Listen to what you’re saying. Saren wants to bring back machines that wiped out the entire Prothean Empire? Impossible. If they were real we would have found some sort of evidence of these ‘Reapers’ in the prothean data archives spread across our systems.”

Shepard clasped her hands into white knuckled fists, feeling her neatly trimmed nails biting into the flesh of her palms as she tried to control her anger. “I tried to warn you about Saren and you didn’t listen. Do you _really_ want to make the same mistake again?” Fury tinged Shepard’s words as she stared at each councilor in turn, an angry flash fire igniting in her blood.

Tevos shifted uncomfortable, unable to hold Shepard’s intense stare. “This is different. You proved Saren a traitor.” She looked at her fellow councilors again, each giving a small nod of acceptance. “We have no doubt that he’s searching for the conduit, but his reasons why remain unclear.”

“The Reapers are obviously just a myth, Commander. A convenient myth, but a myth nonetheless that he is using to bend the geth to his will.” Valern said, apparently hoping to placate and calm the increasingly tense chamber.

Shepard glanced over at Alenko, and then at Anderson, sure that she could not be hearing the councillors correctly. But both of them shared the same furious expression. Granted, the idea of the Reapers seemed impossible, but after what she had seen in her vision, she knew it was true. And yet again, the council was burying their heads in the sand. It was infuriating.

“When Saren succeeds in bringing them back and the galaxy is in flames, I hope I’m around to say ‘I told you so.’,” Shepard snapped at them, her voice cold and a complete contrast to the furious inferno raging through every limb of her body.

“Saren is now a rogue agent on the run for his life. He no longer has the rights or resources of a Spectre,” Sparatus said, his dual toned voice taking on a conciliatory tone. Shepard snapped her mouth shut and simply shook her head, her teeth grinding together as she tried to quell her temper.

Udina stepped forward, righteous fury and anger radiating from every cell of his body. “That is not good enough!” he roared at the politicians before him. Obviously no longer caring how he looked to them. “You know Saren is hiding in the Traverse. Send your fleet in and bring him and his geth to justice. _Before_ they attack any more of our colonies!”

It was Councilor Valern’s turn to scoff at them. “A fleet cannot track down one man. And we will not risk open war with the Terminus systems over a few dozen human colonies.”

“Then send me!” Shepard shouted at them as she moved to stand shoulder to shoulder with Udina. “Let me track Saren and take him down!”

Tevos tilted her head, her hand grazing her chin as she gave Shepard a considering look. Her decision apparently made, she turned to her fellows. “Commander Shepard is right. There is a way to stop Saren that won’t require fleets or armies.”

“No!” Sparatus snapped at her, his green eyes boring into Shepard as he addressed Tevos. “It’s too soon! Humanity is not ready for the responsibilities that come along with being a member of the Spectres!”

Heat crept up Shepard’s face as she met Sparatus’ glare with one of her own. “I faced Saren on Eden Prime. I exposed him as a traitor. You know this is the best solution. A single ship can enter the traverse and search. You won’t need to send a fleet, and my people will get justice. Everybody wins.”

If she didn’t know better, Shepard would have sworn that Tevos almost smiled at her pronouncement. The councilwoman looked over at Valern then, receiving his nod of approval, turned toward Sparatus. He and Shepard continued their angry staring contest for another moment before his shoulders fell and he relented. He nodded his head at Tevos, and the three of them entered some commands on their terminals.

Shepard blinked, all her anger evaporating as a wave of apprehension crashed over her. Had … had that really just happened? Had she really just gone head to head with the galactic council and … won? She looked over at Alenko and the others. He and Garrus grinned back at her, their expressions triumphant and, if she was not mistaken, proud. Her eyes flicked over to Tali and, though a bit harder to discern, saw the same pride and triumph, mixed with no small amount of relief.

“Commander Alexis Shepard,” Tevos called, her voice ringing with officiality. “Step forward.”

Shepard shot a frightened look at Anderson, but his warm smile and the pride shining in his face spurred her forward. Even Udina stepped back to let her stand alone before the councilors. An excited buzzing filled the chamber as she took her place next to the speaker's podium.

Shepard squared her shoulders and stood at parade rest, her face betraying nothing of the discomfort she felt as the butterflies in her stomach began tossing the remnants of her hastily eaten MRE with their tiny wings.

“Commander Shepard, it is the decision of this council that you be granted all of the rights and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel,”  Tevos declared in a confident voice.

“Spectre’s are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; whose actions elevate them above the rank and file,” Valern added.

“Spectres are an ideal, a symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the council. Instruments of our will,” Tevos continued.

Shepard swallowed as the traitorous butterfly wings beat ever faster in her stomach. Her eyes bounced between each councilor as they spoke her induction speech.

“Spectre’s bear a great burden. They are the protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold.” Sparatus said, all trace of his previous anger gone as he spoke for the first time.

“You are the first human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species,” Tevos concluded, and Shepard couldn’t help but notice a tiny note of pride in her voice.

She took a deep breath, squashing the bastard butterflies, and bowed her head to the three aliens who were now her bosses. “I’m honoured, Councilors.”

“We’re sending you into the Traverse to track down Saren. He is a fugitive from justice, and you are hereby authorized to use any means necessary to apprehend or eliminate him,” Valern said as he tapped his console again. “What leads we have will be forwarded to Ambassador Udina.”

Shepard nodded. “I’ll find him.”

Tevos returned her nod. “This meeting of the council is adjourned. Congratulations again, Commander.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOO! Finally managed to get this one finished and posted! Sorry for the long absence (again), but RL is being a huge pain. Special thanks to MizDirected for all her help, encouragement, support, and general awesomeness! Couldn't do it without you! Also big shout out to the MEFFW group on Facebook! You guys all rock!


	5. Chapter 5

**** Chapter 5  
  


“Congratulations, Commander!” Alenko saluted, a broad grin on his face as the council filed out of the chamber. “You’re going to make a phenomenal Spectre.”

Shepard smiled, ducking her head to hide the flush that burned up her neck. “Thanks, LT. I hope so.”

“Well deserved, Shepard. Saren won’t know what hit him,” Garrus said as he shook her hand, his mandibles twitching in the turian equivalent of a smile.

Anderson broke all protocol and gave her a bracing hug. “Congratulations, Alexis. I know you’ll make me proud.” he said his words soft enough to remain just between them. When he pulled back and gave her shoulders an affectionate squeeze, she could no longer contain the too wide smile that spread across her face. She never really liked it when people made a fuss about her accomplishments, but getting such glowing words of praise from Anderson lit a warm fire of joy within her.

Anderson turned to Udina, his pride still evident as he met the other man’s gaze. “Don’t you have something you’d like to say to Shepard, Ambassador?”

Udina gave her a calculating stare, looking as though he wasn’t sure how to react to her now. He turned his gaze back to Anderson.  “Anderson, your presence on this mission will no longer be appropriate. There is too much history between you and Saren. We don’t need the council thinking that there is any bias in Shepard’s investigation.”

Shepard’s jaw fell open in astonishment as the man continued. “As of this moment, Commander Shepard is the commanding officer of the _Normandy_ and her crew,” his face morphed into a self-satisfied grin. “After all,” he said, preening like a male peacock spreading his plumage, “humanity’s first Spectre must have the best ship. And the _Normandy_ is the best and fastest ship in the fleet.”

Shepard glanced quickly over at Anderson, wondering if this had been planned before the meeting, but the look of dejected acceptance on his normally stoic face told her that it hadn’t been. “I'm sorry, did I miss the briefing where you were suddenly part of the Alliance brass, _Ambassador_? You don't have the authority to take command away from the Captain!” Her voice was perfectly calm, concealing the anger now burning within her. The only outward sign was her rapidly clenching and unclenching fists. She was all too aware of where they were standing and that there was still a large crowd of spectators on the chamber balconies. “Spectre or no, the _Normandy_ his ship. I will continue to serve as his executive officer, but I will not allow you to usurp this crew out from under him.”

Udina simply huffed and walked away, his usual sneer firmly back in place. “Anderson, meet me in my office in one hour to set this all up,” his words clipped and sharp as he descended the stairs, completely ignoring anything she’d said. “The _Normandy_ must be restocked and ready to depart in the morning cycle if Shepard is to have any hope of catching up with Saren.”

Shepard ground her teeth and made a move to go after him. After a full day of him pushing his luck and her self-control to the brink, he’d finally crossed the line. A firm hand closed around her shoulder, stopping her before she could take more than a few steps.

“Alexis,” Anderson sighed as her burning green eyes met his patient brown ones. “I put this crew together with every intention of making you its captain someday. True, I didn’t think it would happen so soon, but I know that you’re ready. You’ll do the Alliance proud.“

She stared at him for few moments and chewed her tongue as angry retorts and arguments flew through her mind, but as his eyes hardened and reverted to those of her superior officer she relented, resignation and no small amount of guilt weighing heavy on her heart. Seeing the man who had guided her entire adult life and military career tossed aside like a piece of trash, himself an N7 and decorated combat veteran … it just wasn’t right. But as much as she loathed to admit it, even to herself, Udina had a point about the appearance of bias.

She closed her eyes and gave a stiff nod, shoving her personal feelings aside as the professional soldier mask slid back into place. Straightening her back, she gave him her best salute. “Yes, sir. I won’t let you down.”

He smiled and returned her salute. “I know you won’t.” He looked at the others around them, and the officers coming to join them from the balconies. “Tell you what. We’re going to go out and celebrate. After all, it’s not every day one of our own gets named the first human Spectre. You're all at liberty until tomorrow morning. Meet up at Flux in two hours.”

  
*    *    *  
  


Dressed in black medium, strappy heels, and the red and black shimmering knee length dress she’d been gifted when she was awarded her Star of Terra, Shepard made her way into Flux nightclub. She’d taken extra time to apply full makeup and straighten her slightly wavy, jaw length bob, so she knew she was the last of the crew to arrive.

A shudder tickled her spine as the bass punched her temples. She didn’t enjoy clubs, preferring a nice quite pub with a nice pint of either amber or pale ale, and a vid screen showing either a hockey game, or an Urban Combat Championship match. That was her idea of a good shore leave.

A quick scan of the club from just inside the door revealed that most of the crew was sitting at tables up on the balcony, while a few others were gyrating to the beat on the overcrowded dance floor. Williams, her skills as a soldier shining through the haze of hormones and alcohol, spotted her and waved excitedly as she danced with a tall, muscular patron with a crew cut. The gunnery chief looked stunning with her hair down out of its bun and dressed to the nines in a shimmering green number that accentuated her features perfectly. A wave of self-conscious anxiety gripped Shepard as she gave a hesitant return wave. She was never overly comfortable in crowds, and seeing all of the beautiful, well dressed people made her feel vastly inferior all of a sudden.

_Ugh, stop being so stupid Alexis,_ she mentally scolded in a voice that sounded hauntingly like her brother Jon. _You’re a professional soldier and the first human Spectre. This dress is just another form of armour, and your scars and tattoos are badges of honor. Hold your head high damn it!_ She shook her head slightly and with a deep calming breath, made her way through the crowd and over towards the bar. She signaled a nearby waitress and ordered a beer, hoping to take the edge off her anxiety and not spoil everyone else’s fun.

The waitress returned with her beer, and Shepard quickly slipped into a vacant stool at the middle of the bar, still not ready to put her happy Commander mask on for everyone. So much had happened in such a short span of time. She just needed to take a moment and enjoy a bit of her beer in private before trying to mold the mask of Commander Shepard the soldier back over Alexis Shepard the woman.

Just as she was about to take her first sip, the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. Pausing with the bottle halfway to her lips, she glanced around, observing her surroundings more closely. She noticed a well-dressed woman, her lightly greying hair pulled into a high bun watching her closely from the other end of the long bar. As their eyes met, Shepard thought she saw a slightly predatory smile tug at the woman's lips, but in the blink of an eye it vanished, replaced by curiosity and mild interest. Shepard gave the woman a polite smile, and raised her bottle in acknowledgment before swinging around on her stool and taking a deep pull from the bottle.

She chuckled as she watched a few male patrons try to impress Williams with their moves. Most of them were worse dancers than she was, though whether that was from natural skill or too much alcohol, she couldn’t say.

“Hello, Spectre,” came a soft voice from her left. Shepard whipped her head around in surprise and was astonished to see the woman now sitting next to her. She jumped off the stool in surprise, dropping her still full beer. She jumped back another step, desperately trying not to get any of the splashed beer on her shoes, and knocked into a solidly built man that had been standing talking to an Asari seated on her right. Her hand flew instinctively to her hip where her pistol was normally holstered and cursed madly as she realized she's left it in her locker. The woman simply smiled in amusement and continued as though nothing had happened. “My name is Helena Blake, and I have a proposition for you.”

Shepard’s face burned with embarrassment as she tried to apologize to the couple beside her, but the Asari simply glowered, shook the sprayed beer from her skirt and pulled the man away from the bar. Shepard bit the inside of her cheek and turned to face the intrusive woman. “I’m sorry,” Shepard let a polite, but humourless smile cross her face. The icy edge of disinterest in her voice hiding the tremor of embarrassment. “I’ve done people enough favours today to last me a lifetime. If you have a request, take it to the council, and see if they give a damn.” She sat back down on her stool and turned her attention back to the dance floor in dismissal.

Helena laughed airily and Shepard saw her signal the volus bartender out of the corner of her eye. “Believe me, Commander. What I have to offer is something I _know_ you’ll be interested in.”

Shepard raised her eyebrow in suspicion, but still refused to give this woman her full attention. The look and manner of this woman reminded her of a predator staring down it’s prey, and she was nobody’s prey; not anymore. She turned halfway toward the woman and accepted a new beer from the bartender before staring the woman down, a clear warning in her eyes. “You have me at a disadvantage, Ms. Blake.”

“I make it my job to know exactly who I’m dealing with, Commander.” Helena smirked, clearly not intimidated as she took a sip of her refreshed drink. “I’m acquainted with a pair of powerful crime bosses. They’re hiding on remote worlds, and I have the coordinates. You could do the galaxy a favour.”

Shepard gave a short, disbelieving laugh as she tried to suppress her ire at the gall of this woman. “Yeah, no thanks. My days of gang warfare are long behind me.” She turned away from Helena and took a long pull from her beer. She spotted Alenko coming down the stairs from the balcony and tried to suppress the treacherous flutter of arousal that seeing him in jeans and a dark red polo shirt brought forth. Her pulse quickened as she watched him move through the crowd of dancers, clearly searching for someone. The way the lights played off his muscular physique sent blood rushing to places it had no right to be, and she wasn’t really sure what to make of it. No man had ever stirred her desire the way he did. As she admired him, and pointedly ignored whatever the woman beside her was currently saying, she noticed that he was making his way over to the crowd gathered around Williams. He smiled at her and Shepard felt as though someone punched her in the gut. She tried to quash the feelings of jealousy that sprang up as she watched the two of them chat for a moment and head up to the balcony together. She took another deep pull of her beer, hoping that the cool numbing effects of the alcohol would douse the newly burning flames of jealousy.

“Yes, I am aware that you quit the Tenth Street Reds months before enlisting,” Blake said, her tone amused, but sharp as she mentioned Shepard’s old gang. “Honestly, after all they put you through I’m surprised you allowed their leaders to slip through your grasp over the years.”

Shepard ground her teeth and tried to focus on the music and the dancers, but Blake had touched a nerve and a red haze of anger began to color her surroundings. “You know nothing of what I went through on the streets.” She turned and gave the woman her coldest, most dangerous glare. “But if you don’t want me to give you a personal demonstration, you’ll say your piece within the next thirty seconds and get the hell away from me.”

A small flash of fear glimmered in Blake’s eyes, but she seemed to smother it just as quickly as it appeared and leaned closer to Shepard’s ear. “What if I told you that I could give you your twin brother’s killer?”

The blood drained from Alexis’s face and a distinctive roar suddenly filled her ears. Shock, rage, and hatred all warred for dominance within her as Helena Blake’s words took root. She turned away from the other woman, fighting back the almost overwhelming urge to beat the smug look of triumph from her face. How dare she approach her and carelessly mention Jon’s murder? How dare she even breathe the fact that she had done business with Randel to her?

“Do I have your full attention now?” Helena grinned over the rim of her glass as she leaned back in her seat, clearly pleased at the effect of her words. A distant rattling sound finally penetrated the roaring in Shepard’s ears and caused her to notice the hand gripping her beer bottle was shaking. She slowly placed the bottle on the bar, her fingers flexing as she tried to extinguish the flash fire burning through her veins.

Helena activated her omni-tool and quickly typed something. Shepard stared as her own tool activated and indicated and incoming file transfer. “He and his partner have been dealing in red sand and slave trading for the past few years. Recently their partnership soured, and each believes the other is out to kill them.”

Shepard stared at the blinking download confirmation prompt and clenched her fists in her lap in a vain attempt to get her body back under control, but the roaring anger in her ears made it almost impossible to think and reason. She didn’t want to talk; she wanted was to beat this woman into a bloody pulp. “I should have you arrested,” she said, her voice low and tinged with frost as her eyes finally met Helena’s again. “You’ve obviously done business with them, and now you just want them eliminated so you can get yourself a bigger piece.”

Helena’s eyes hardened. “I have no interest in red sand or slavery. Anyone who does deserves to die.”

Shepard raised a disbelieving eyebrow at her and snorted in derision. “Uh huh. And I’m supposed to believe that you’re doing this out of the goodness of your heart?”

“I admit that we share interests in certain, shall we say, cooperative ventures. But their business practices forced me to terminate our relationship. Once they are both dead, I will run the organization in a more tasteful manner.”

Shepard laughed menacingly, allowing the derision and distaste to ooze from her soul and leaned forward, her face now inches from Helena’s. She felt a twinge of satisfaction as another hint of fear flashed through the other woman’s eyes, apparently sensing how menacing and extremely pissed off she’d made her. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that?”

Helena shrugged and tried to look nonplussed, but Shepard could see that she had finally succeeded in intimidating her way under the woman’s skin. “You can believe whatever you want. But they make victims of the ones they sell to and those who can no longer pay are sold to batarians as slaves.”

Shepard grit her teeth and swallowed the bile that rose in her mouth. The fact that she was even considering this made want to scream in frustration. She had worked hard over these last twelve years to be someone that Jon would have been proud to call his sister. But if Helena was telling the truth and Randel had gotten into the slave trade … fuck, would he really stoop so low? Instinctively she knew that the answer was yes. She’d witnessed the lengths he went to back in the day when people had been unable to pay their debts to the gang, it truly wasn’t a stretch. She felt a stirring in the chasm of her soul left by Jon’s death. No one would cry for a bunch of drug dealing slavers, and that one of them was Randel was just an added incentive.

Shepard closed her eyes and dropped her chin to her chest, the weight of her decision crashing over her like a tidal wave, drowning her resistance as she sighed in resigned defeat. Still, the part of her that burned for revenge purred happily at the notion of finally being able to end the man who’d destroyed her life. “Fine, give me the coordinates, and I’ll take care of them.”

Helena’s Cheshire cat grin made Shepard’s fingers heavy and slow as she typed her acceptance command into her omi-tool and received the proffered file. What had she truly just done? “Everything you need is in the file, including a detailed list of the various crimes your _friend_ has been involved with since your last meeting. Contact me when it’s done, and I will send you a third set of coordinates so we can meet.” Helena finished her drink and rose gracefully to her feet, tossing a few credits onto the bar. “I look forward to hearing from you, Commander.”

Alexis watched Helena blend in with the crowd and disappear, her eyes glanced down at the still blinking file that suddenly felt like both a lifeline and a curse. “Fucking hell,” she muttered as she downed the last of her beer in one, hoping to lessen the taste of the bitter pill she’d allowed herself to swallow. “After all these fucking years … .” She closed down her tool and looked up at the bartender, ordering a stronger drink. As she waited, she stared at the tattoo that covered most of her left forearm below her omni-tool strap. An outsider would see nothing but the logo for her favorite Urban Combat Championship team, the Edmonton Blood Dragons. But all she could see at the moment was the red X that was hidden in the middle of it, taunting her with its now too visible presence. Laughing and mockingly reminding her that no matter how hard she tried, she would never escape the past. She would always be Lina the Cat.

She lost track of how long she sat there, completely absorbed in her own thoughts, or how many drinks she downed as she wrestled with her conscience and her desire for revenge. It was as though both emotions had physically materialized and were sitting on opposite shoulders, whispering arguments both for and against opening the file and looking at the information. She sighed and ran a trembling hand down her face.

She needed someone to talk to, but she couldn’t go to Anderson with this. He might understand, but he sure as hell wouldn’t let her do it. And Kahlee would just tell him, and the result would be the same. They’d want her to turn the information over to the authorities, and as much as she didn’t want to admit it, being a Spectre now made her an authority unto herself.  She growled in frustration and ran her hands roughly through her hair when a hand gently touched her shoulder. She jumped in surprise, but was now too inebriated to do more than that. She met Alenko’s concerned eyes, a whisky colored break in the storm clouds that had consumed her mind since Helena Blake’s appearance. For the second time since she’d woken up in the medbay, she felt as if she’d seen and trusted those eyes before.

“Are you alright, Commander?” he asked, the deep timber of his voice calming some of the anger induced fire that still raged within her.

Shepard blinked and gave a humorless snort, mildly disgusted with herself for allowing any man to have this kind of effect on her. “Not even close.”

Alenko’s brow furrowed and Shepard couldn’t help but notice the little wrinkle that appeared between his brows. Heat rose in her cheeks as she allowed herself to consider what it would feel like to kiss it. She growled low in frustration and sipped her drink, hoping he hadn’t noticed the deep crimson her face had turned as she watched him.  

“Is there anything I can do?”

Shepard turned back to him and tried to reason out her response. A part of her wanted to confide in him, see if he could provide direction in the murky fog that now clouded her judgement. But what if he reported her? He was head of the _Normandy’s_ marine detail, and she needed him to trust in her decisions and command. Revealing that she was already considering abusing her Spectre authority to pursue a personal vendetta would not inspire confidence in her leadership. She sighed and shook her head, shoving her personal feelings into a trunk in the back of her mind. “Thanks for the offer Alenko, but I’ll be alright.”

He gave her a nod, his eyes showing nothing but calm understanding. “Well, just let me know if you’d like to talk, Commander. You aren’t in this alone.”

Shepard gave him a lopsided smile, the cocky mask she usually hid behind finally descending across her face once more. “Careful there, Lieutenant. If I decide to take you up on that, you might not like what you find. I’m not the ‘ _saint_ ’ the news vids like to paint me as.”

He hesitated for a moment, clearly unsure how to interpret her apparent disdain for her public reputation, before he gave her a warm, answering smile. “I think I’ll take my chances, Commander. Everyone needs friends, and considering the mission ahead of us, I’d like to help in any way that you need.”

They stared at each other, and Shepard couldn’t help but be pleasantly surprised his admission. “Thank you, Alenko. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

His smile warmed her as he smoothly changed the subject. “Come on, Joker and the others are waiting for you, or rather, an excuse to drink excessively and pretend it’s in your honor.”

She snickered and downed the last of her drink. “Cause a hungover pilot is just the start I want to my first Spectre mission. I’ll have to remember to buy some _actual_ coffee for him before we leave in the morning.”

Alenko laughed heartily as he led her upstairs. “I’m not really sure if Joker is able to get hungover. I’ve seen him drink an entire platoon of Marine’s under the table before.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY! Another chapter finished, and my first true deviation from canon.
> 
> Special thank you to MizDirected (as always) for her wonderful help, support, beta work, and general butt kicking in helping me keep going with this fic. And huge thanks to all of you who have faved, followed, given kudos and/or reviewed this story. It truly is my baby, but between my divorce and working two jobs, it sometimes gets neglected. But stay with me! I will get this all written!


	6. Chapter 6

_“Lieutenant Shepard, we’ve secured the main entrance. Rear entrance is sealed, and all civilians we could find are as secure as we can make them.” The voice of the young police officer she’d left in charge at the safehouse whispered in her ear piece. All the police and Alliance comm channels had been either cut off or compromised when the attack had started, but thankfully one of the officers she’d come across had been a comm specialist and been able to set up a new one using their omni-tools._

_“I copy,” she whispered back as she skirted her way to the roof edge. “Just hold your position and protect those civilians. Have any of the other teams reported in?”_

_“Yes ma’am. All teams are in position and awaiting your order.”_

_A long, trembling sigh escaped through her exhaustion. Six hours. Six incredibly long hours of fighting and retaking territory. Street to street, building to building. Even her worst ring fights had been less taxing than this. She took a moment and sagged against the roof ledge, making herself as small as her battered body would allow. When this ended,_ if _she survived, she was taking a very long nap. Though at least 6 pints of beer and a giant ass burger and onion rings would precede that. She hissed and felt at the still burning wound in her side. It amazed her how easily she’d remembered how to clean and wrap the wound with the dirty materials available. Fucking batarian’s and their fucking blades. They may not be the only invaders, but they sure were the meanest._

_A rag-tag group of off-duty cops, a few NCO marines, and some civilian volunteers made up her small band of fighters. Not much combat experience between them, but they were all very keen to follow her orders._

‘Cuz nothing can possibly go wrong with that _…. Scowling, Alexis kicked the snide voice into exile at the back of her mind and pulled the sniper rifle from her back. She had no time for doubts._

_She sighted down her scope and took in the stomach churning scene before her. Men, women, and children of all ages held in cages, waiting to be transferred onto shuttles and ferried up to the pirate fleet orbiting the planet._

_She spotted a group of batarians surrounding a cage filled with women and children. They laughed and sneered at them, and rage blazed through her blood. Despite there being people of all species in the pirate ranks, it seemed as though the batarians were running the hostage show._

Not for long _, she thought._

_“On my signal, snipers open fire. Time your shots and limit collateral damage. Teams four and five, get to the perimeter cages and release those civilians.  Teams seven and eight, provide covering fire as they make their escape.” They were horribly outnumbered, and had a very limited amount of ammo, but if they could save even a few of those prisoners, it would be a win._

_She sighted down the scope again and took aim at a batarian beating a woman holding a little girl in her arms, trying to shield the child from their attacker. Just as he reached down to grab the girl, Alexis squeezed the trigger and watched with smug satisfaction as the bastard’s head exploded out the front of his skull. Before any of his friends knew what had happened, three more shots rang out and found their targets. Alexis moved her rifle and quickly adjusted her aim, hitting another of the bastards in the chest._

_Pop. Pop. Pop. She let the rifle glide from side to side across the roof ledge, her anger keeping her aim true and hitting batarian, human, and turian pirate alike. She caught glimpses of her team opening the cages and ushering hostages out of the square. Her years in the Alliance had shown her the kind of fate that awaited those caged civilians. She'd studied the Mindoir raid in an advanced psychology class, read the reports of the mental state of the liberated slaves. If she could save even one child from that ..._

_An ear splitting, otherworldly shriek ripped through her earpiece and clawed into her skull. She screamed in pain and she threw herself to the ground, ripping the offending object from her ear as she covered them and squeezed her eyes shut, trying desperately to block out the pain. The sound grew louder, fingernails clawing a grizzly path through her brain as she curled in on herself and tried to block out the world._

_She had no idea how long she laid there, but the noise finally seemed to stop and Alexis slowly opened her eyes. She blinked away the tears she hadn't realized she’d shed. Seeing nothing strange, she uncovered her ears and reached for her earpiece, hoping that someone on her team had gotten a look at whatever the hell had made that noise._

_Nothing but silence through her comms. No screaming, no hurried enquires for orders. She took the piece back out and examined it, but she wasn’t a tech expert. If the damn thing was fried, she would just have to do without and hope that the teams could improvise._

_Something was off though, and not just with her comms. The world as well. She heard nothing; no screams and cries of the hostages ... no gunfire ... all of it, silent. As though all sound had been sucked from the world. She raised a shaking hand and snapped her fingers next to her ear, cringing as the snap echoed as loud as a gunshot._

_‘Okay … not deaf at least.’ though she didn’t know if that relieved or terrified her. She opened her omni-tool and scanned all the channels, but even the compromised ones had gone silent._

_Her heart drummed as she reached for her rifle and pulled herself back into a crouching position. She swallowed the bile-like fear she felt rising and sighted down her rifle again. All that met her eyes were bodies. Hundreds and hundreds of bodies, both civilian and pirate alike. She could see a few of her team members mixed in with them as well._

_“Oh my God ….” She struggled to breathe, her rifle slipping from her clammy hands as the sharp blade of despair sank into her pounding heart. A far flung corner of her mind gnawed at her horrified numbness. This … isn't how it had gone down. They’d saved a lot of the hostages … hadn't they?_

_“This is only the beginning,” a soft, all too familiar voice whispered from beside her. Shepard gasped and whirled, instinctively curling her hand into a fist. She pivoted on the balls of her feet, her fist blurred as she launched a punch at the speaker. But just as he had so many times before, he caught her fist in his hand, his green eyes boring into her._

_The blade of despair in her heart twisted and sank a bit deeper, scraping her already overly raw emotions to the quick. “Jon?”_

_He nodded in response, and gave her balled fist a gentle squeeze. “You have to be ready, Lex.” Her breath hitched and her eyes welled with tears at the sound of her old nickname. “The war is coming, and it will be the worst humanity and the galaxy have ever seen.” He pointed into the distance with his free hand, showing her a vast black … thing that blocked out almost the entire Elysium skyline. “The Reapers are coming. You must be ready.”_

_The high pitched screeching started again, and she fell to her knees, covering her ears and screaming to the heavens. “Be ready!” Jon’s voice whispered over the screeching. “The Reapers are coming!”_  
  


* * *

  
Shepard bolted upright, the scream of her dream still echoing around the walls of the captain’s quarters. Heart hammering, she quickly scanned the room, her battle reflexes on high alert at the remembered atrocities of the Blitz.

“Fucking nightmares,” she mumbled as she rolled over and padded her way to the tiny bathroom that came with her new cabin. The light flashed on automatically, bombarding her vision with swirling stars and geometric patterns. As her vision cleared, she caught sight of her reflection in the tiny mirror above the sink. Dark circles bruised the underside of her eyes, and her creature-of-the-night complexion alarmed her . Yup, she looked like shit.

An irritated grumble passed her lips and she splashed some cold water on her face, washing away the remnants of sweat and fear. Three days into her first command deployment shouldn’t look so ragged and worn.

They were still at least a half a day out from Zhu’s Hope, a small human outpost on the planet Feros in the Theseus System of the Attican Beta. According to the information from the _ever helpful_ human ambassador, the colony had gone silent, and there were rumors of an attack. Given the events on Eden Prime, Udina had ‘asked’ her to investigate. Not that she needed his _permission_. Ugh, even the thought of the man made her lip curl in distaste. And now she had to work closely with him.

She and Alenko had developed some exercises and simulations to keep the marine’s and their new non-human crew members, for Garrus, Wrex and Tali had been insistent on joining her and the crew until Saren had been dealt with, in top fighting condition. Tali had also made herself at home down in engineering, much to the joy of Lieutenant Greg Adams, the _Normandy’s_ chief engineer. Garrus had taken it upon himself to try and “calibrate” the Mako ground vehicle’s guns. This worked out well as the Makos rough ride constantly knocked out their accuracy. And Wrex … well, he just liked to look menacing and scowl at anyone who came to close to _his_ corner of the cargo bay.

She flexed her arm experimentally and sighed with relief as her shoulder gave a loud pop. Yesterday had been close quarters and hand to hand practice. Wrex, intrigued at her demonstrations and the sparing match with Williams, had volunteered to test how she would do “without the training wheels.” Though she’d pulled it off in the end, he had managed to give her a decent thrashing. Dr. Chakwas had admonished both of them when they’d made their way into the medbay for treatment, but it looked as though she had gained the krogan warriors respect … along with a stiff shoulder and a couple bruised ribs.

She took a deep breath, cringing only slightly at the protest from her ribs, and walked back out of the bathroom to sit on the edge of her bed.

She strapped her omni-tool onto her wrist, and quickly checked the time. She growled and flopped backwards in frustration. Yet again her nightmares had woken her far too early. Four hours remained until shift change. She quickly pulled up her messages, but nothing absolutely needed her attention. Side effect of being an insomniac … even her most mundane reports were already done and forwarded to command. Spectre or no, the Normandy was still an Alliance vessel after all.

_Well,_ she thought as she closed the display and pulled herself back into a sitting position, _guess I'll try my old insomnia standby._

Opening her footlocker, she dug out a pair of thick, fluffy socks, a small tin of tea, and a very battered paperback book. At this late hour, she doubted anyone but the skeleton crew would be up, so she decided not to change out of her sleepwear of sweatpants and tank top.

She ran a reverent hand over the extremely battered cover of _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_. It and the other six books in the series traveled with her on every deployment. The ones she’d received from her mother on her tenth birthday may be long gone, along with the other meager possessions she’d taken from the foster home. But when she’d come across this set in an antique shop on Arcturus, she’d scooped it up with such enthusiasm, leaving with a manic grin on her face and a confused proprietor in her wake. Smiling, she quickly pulled on her socks, clutched the tea tin and book to her chest, and headed for the mess.

As she rounded the corner her feet skidded to a halt in surprise. A small thrill ran up her spine as she recognized Kaidan, wearing a grey alliance t-shirt and sweatpants, and his normally neat hair disheveled. Cocking her head to the side, she noticed him mixing something in a large mug. She sniffed the air, almost hoping it for the bitter smell of coffee, but the brew gave off no discernible scent.

Hoping to subtly make him aware of her presence and not startle him, she gave a gentle cough. He jumped in surprise, his spoon flying out of his hand and clattering across the counter, splashing some of his mystery brew against the wall. She cringed apologetically and ran her hand across her neck in embarrassment. “Sorry about that, Alenko. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He returned her smile, though it seemed a bit forced as he recovered his spoon and made his way over to the table, mug of mystery liquid clutched tightly in his hands. “No problem, Commander. Just didn’t think anyone else would be up at this time of night.”

Shepard put her book and tin on the table across from him and went over to the food dispenser, pulling another mug and spoon from the cabinet above, and filling it with hot water for her tea. “Yeah … I couldn’t sleep,” she explained, the grizzly scene of bodies in the street flashing before her eyes once again. She shook her head, banishing the image and catching his gaze briefly before focusing back on her nearly filled mug. “Too much on my mind.” She carried the steaming mug to the table and carefully extracted one of the a pre-mixed bags. She dropped it into the water, pushing it down to the bottom with her spoon and took the seat across from him. “How come you’re up?”

Alenko straightened in his seat, rolling his neck from side to side as he did so. “Migraine. But don't worry ma’am, I'll be good to go by the time we reach Feros.”

She raised her eyebrow at him and shook her head. “We’ve been over this, Alenko. Enough of the ‘ma’am’ stuff. Just ‘Shepard’ is fine. Especially when we’re off duty.”

Kaidan huffed a laugh, raised his cup in a salute to her and sipped his mystery drink. Disgust quickly erased all good humor as he struggled to swallow. “God, this stuff is terrible.” He spluttered as he put the cup back down.

“What is that?” she asked as she raised her head, trying to peer into the cup. But it was darker than any coffee she’d ever seen.  

Although it was hard to tell in the lighting, she swore she saw a blush creeping up Kaidan’s neck. “My mom sends it to me every few months. It’s some kind of … herbal tea concoction that a doctor back on Earth brews up to help migraines. Tastes really foul, but I rather drink this than take meds all of the time. Don’t want to become dependent on them or have them lose their effectiveness if I get a really bad one.”

Shepard nodded in understanding as she took a sip from her own tea. “Do you get them a lot? Is there anything I, or the rest of the crew, can do to help you with them?”

There was the tiniest shift in Kaidan’s posture, an angry gleam in his eyes. “No, Commander. And they won’t be a burden or interfere with our mission. I’ll always be good to go when you need me.”

Shepard pulled back, surprised that he’d taken offense. “That isn’t what I meant at all, Kaidan.” She clasped her mug more tightly, hoping he hadn’t seen the slight shudder that had passed through her at saying his first name. It rolled so easily off her tongue. “I just wondered if there is a particular trigger for yours that I should know about.”

The way his mouth hung open assured her that none of his previous CO’s had treated him kindly when it came to his condition. He cleared his throat and lifted his mug, sipping at his tea again, though there was now a decidedly pink tinge to his olive complexion. “Sorry, Shepard,” he murmured, his hand rubbing the back of his neck, clearly embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to get so defensive.”

Shepard shrugged as she took a sip of her tea, still finding it a bit too hot for her comfort. “Not a problem Alenko. I don’t expect you’ve had the easiest time with some others in the Alliance.”

Kaidan gave a humorless laugh, laced with no small amount of bitterness. “Having an implant that has driven the majority of its wearers insane doesn’t exactly get me invited to the cool parties, no.”

Shepard laughed and sat back in her chair, taking her book in her hands and opening it to the title page. “Yeah well, those parties are overrated. Take it from someone who's been to a few. Boring, arrogant dinks who think the galaxy revolves around when they take a shit. Give me the quiet life any day.”

Kaidan let out a deep, rumbling laugh as he raised his mug, sending another pleasant shiver down her spine. “To the quiet life.” he said with an incline of his head in her direction. She smiled at him, putting her book back down and raising her own mug, clinking it with his.

Shepard leaned back and began to read the first chapter ‘The Boy Who Lived’. She had just gotten to the part where Professor Dumbledore appeared for the first time when Kaidan spoke again. “You know Shepard, you remind me of someone I knew back home.”

She peered over the cover of the book and cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh yeah? Where are you from Alenko? I know you and Williams were talking about it, but I don’t think I caught it.”

Kaidan leaned back and gave her a lopsided smile. “Yeah, I seem to remember something about you banging your head against a wall.”  
  
Shepard smirked in response, dog-earring her page and placing it back on the table. “So where are you from?”

“Well, I was born in Singapore. But I’ve lived my whole life in Vancouver,” he said, before taking another gulp of his tea.

Shepard’s pulse began to race and only a lifetime of practice prevented her expression from falling at the mention of the city that had claimed so much of her life. “Oh yeah?” she asked as nonchalantly as she could, but she heard the tiny hitch in her voice.

“Well, all except the three years I spent at Brain Camp on Jump Zero.”  A shadow darkened his face as he appeared to slip into memory.

“Jump Zero is Gagarin Station isn’t it? What was that like?” Her heart hammered in her ears, and she clutched her mug tightly, hoping against hope that she could keep them from shaking.  
  
Kaidan scoffed, his brow furrowing in disgust. “Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training … that didn’t last past the airlock. To all of us kids that were hauled in, it was Brain Camp. It ….“  He sighed and ran a slightly shaking hand down his face. “It’s not something I really want to talk about.”  He glanced up at Shepard, giving her the most minute smile. “No offense, Shepard. But there are some things I’m just not quite ready to share.”  

She nodded, the corner of her mouth twitching slightly. “Totally understandable, Alenko. Some things are just fresh, even if they’re years in the past. But if you ever feel like talking … .” She left the offer unfinished, not wanting to overstep.

Kaidan sighed again, running his hand through his hair this time. “Yeah … ask me again some time.” His face cleared as he sat forward, looking directly into her eyes. ”So what about you? You mentioned something about the West Coast right?”

Her heartbeat throbbed in her ears _._ “I … yeah.” She looked down at her slightly trembling hands, and pulled them into her lap. “My mom worked with the Earth Diplomatic Corps. She was former Alliance, but left when she got pregnant with my brother and me.”

Kaidan cocked his head in bewilderment. “You have a brother? All of the stories about you say you grew up alone on the streets on Earth.”   

Shepard clenched her fists tightly in her lap, her mirthless snort hanging between them as her nails dug into her palms. “Half truths. My twin brother Jon and I were orphaned after our mom died in a terrorist attack in 2164.” She sighed heavily and took a sip from her now cold tea before continuing. “We never knew our father; mom never talked about him. So with no known living relatives, we were shipped off to foster care in Vancouver.” She sniffed a bit and blinked back the tears pricking her eyes. It still hurt to think about her mother, almost as much as it hurt to talk about Jon.

Kaidan looked astonished, and a little bit embarrassed that his attempt at casual conversation had turned out this way. “Shepard … I’m sorry. You don’t have to ….”

She shook her head firmly, a clear resolve settling over her. “Yes I do. In the coming weeks, I might make decisions that you won’t like or understand.” Her thoughts flashed to the still unopened coordinate and dossier files on her omni-tool. “I … it’s important that you understand _why_ I do some of the things I do.” She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly before continuing. “Jon and I ran away from foster care after a few months. We honestly believed that we would be better off taking care of ourselves. We begged and stole. I had a classic violin that my mom gave me when I was around 4, and I remember Jon took it into a store and sold it. We got a decent amount for it, but street life is so cutthroat … we were mugged by other street kids when we went to the shelter for food,”

Kaidan leaned forward as she opened up, looking both horrified and intrigued by her story. In truth, she was a bit glad to have someone take an interest in _her_ and not whatever the media made her out to be. If he was going to serve as her second, he deserved to know …  
  
“Eventually, we crossed paths with a gang called the Tenth Street Reds. Clarissa, the girlfriend of the leader at that time, she convinced the gang to take us in. She felt sorry for us for some reason.” Shepard took a deep breath, letting the memories bludgeon through the mental barriers she’d built around them. “She taught us how to fight.”

At Kaidan’s confused expression she tried to clarify. “The Reds had their hands in a lot of different things. Protection racket, drug dealing, theft, and underground street fighting to name a few. Clarissa was the best fighter in the gang and when we were taken in, she started to train us. She was tough, brutal even, and she taught us well. Then one night … she lost her fight and she … “ Shepard sniffed and brushed the lone tear slipping down her cheek away impatiently. “They left her to die because she lost a lot of the gang’s money and humiliated the leader, Carlos. Carlos was killed a few days later when a rival gang made a powerplay. At the age of 14, I was thrown into the ring and told to win, or I’d end up like Clarissa.

“The new leader, Tuan, he was a ruthless fucker. Jon became his right hand tech guy; he’d always been good with tech. Under Tuan, brutality and ruthlessness became the norm, and out of that, this one asshole Randle, gained just enough favour to make life miserable for those he felt “didn’t fit”. He was like a rabid varren. Worse even than Tuan.”

“Vancouver?” Kaidan asked, his olive complexion paling to a sickly white. “You … you lived on the streets of Vancouver? That … that’s not … “

Shepard shrugged her shoulders, twinging the slightest bit as the ache made itself known again. “The bigger the city, the darker and deeper it’s gutters really are.” She gave a bitter laugh. “You’d be amazed how easy it is to just _disappear_ in a city like that. Even ten year-old upper class kids like Jon and I managed it.” She gave a self-disgusted snort. “God, we were stupid. But I swore to myself that, if possible, I would stop anyone else from making our mistake.”

An image of Liam, obviously well cared for flashed through her mind. “I remember this kid I met when I was 17. Okay, not a kid. He was older than me, but he was running and trying to lose himself. Only thing I really knew was that he’d gone through something pretty bad, though he never told me what. Just wanted to score some red sand and disappear.”

She heard the slightest gasp escape Kaidan, but she kept pushing on, picking at a the cuticles of her left hand, lost in memories she’d tried so hard to bury. “I remember he had this … badly bleached hair, and he was really strung out when we crossed paths the first time. Actually tried to attack me when I was on my way to a drop off. You see, when I wasn’t fighting, I ran drugs. Never touched the shit myself, but it was better than the alternative. Anyways, he knew some hand to hand, but he was in the middle of forced detox, and it was pretty easy for me to put him down.”

An image of his dejected, slightly bloody face stared at her over the expanse of years, her heart aching just as it had then. “But …  I felt sorry for him. Ended up helping him out, and we became friends.”  
  
A storm of anger replaced the heartache as she thought back to the night her life had been irreparably shattered. “But his past came to find him, and it cost me everything to protect him. Randle murdered my brother, shot me.” She ran her thumb down the scar that ran just under her right eye, it’s ridges still sharp, even after ten years. “But he saved me in the end. At least … I think he did. I don’t remember what happened. I woke up a few days later, alone in the hospital.”

“Oh my God … .“

Shepard looked up and saw that Kaidan’s eyes were wide, his face completely pale and his hands shaking badly. He stood from the table quickly, trembling from head to foot.

“It’s … you’re … holy shit. Lina?”

Everything around her went still as Shepard focused on the man before her, her brain replacing his dark military cut with the badly bleached curls of her memories.  It was as though an elastic band snapped and slammed the two images together. An icy wave crashed over her, leaving her trembling and her mouth agape as she realized _why_ he’d seemed so familiar. A strange warmth began to thaw her blood as her constant feeling of trust and familiarity became clear. _Why_ she’d felt an instant connection to this man who fate had made her lieutenant. “I … Liam?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK! I'm so sorry it took me so long to update :( Had a lot of stuff in my personal life fall apart over the last 6 months, but now that I've glued some of the pieces back together, my muse has decided to speak to me again. YAY!
> 
> Huge thank you to MizDirected for not only being a fantastic beta, but an absolutely AWESOME friend! She keep me going and kept prodding me to make sure I would keep writing once I felt better. Thank you, THANK YOU! Also everyone over at in the MEFFW group on Facebook, and Vorchagirl especially, for being so understanding when I just fell apart!


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard’s jaw clenched and her fists flexed reflexively in her lap as her mind whirred through all of the information that they had gathered while fighting to clear the ExoGeni building. The company had discovered some kind of … plant living under the port at Zhu’s Hope. Something that had the ability to enthrall anyone that spent sufficient time near it. They’d allowed their own people to become slaves to the thing, and she’d unknowingly exposed her people to its spores when she’d left them there to help.

“Dr. Baynham, I’m only going to say this once.” Her green eyes bored into the terrified eyes of the young doctor sitting across from her. The low, red lighting of the Mako’s interior reflecting her boiling temper. “If _anything_ has happened to my people, I will be using all of my authority as an officer of the Alliance and as a Spectre to make sure ExoGeni never gets colonization rights again.”

Lizbeth Baynham gulped and shrank a bit further into her seat. “I … I understand, Commander. Frankly I wish I’d been able to do more to halt the experiment.”

“I’m sure they’re alright, Shepard.” Garrus offered from the navigator seat next to Wrex, “Between Alenko, Williams, and Tali I’m sure they got the colony up and running hours ago and were probably back on the _Normandy_ before the colonists went crazy.”

Wrex humphed from the driver's seat. “At the very least the quarian will be alright. That suit of hers would filter out any foreign material. The humans … .“ Wrex winced and jerked back as Garrus smacked him in the arm, the sound of their armour clanging reverberated through the small space. “What? I didn’t say they’d be dead. Just zombies.”

Shepard ground her teeth together and glared daggers at the back of the krogan’s head. “Not the time, Wrex. Just get us back to them ASAP.”

Laying her head back and closing her eyes, Shepard tried to concentrate on her breathing. She’d left Kaidan in charge of the efforts at the colony in hopes that a little bit of space would allow her to gain some perspective on how to proceed. They’d been rather awkward around each other since their revealing conversation just over a day ago. In truth, she wasn’t sure how to handle things now.

But even with the confusion swirling inside of her, one thought kept repeating though her mind. _Please let him be alright._ She couldn’t deny the instant friendship they found themselves falling back into, but it scared her. People who got close to her usually got hurt, so she always tried to keep a wall around herself. But without really even realizing it, she’d let the lieutenant through her carefully constructed, sometimes porous, barriers.

_You can only fight alone for so long, Kat._ God damn it. Jon’s voice had been intruding more easily in her thoughts since her nightmare. All these pieces of her past hammering her at once was making it impossible to block him out anymore.   

“ _Normandy_ to shore party, come in shore party.” Joker’s voice crackled over the comm.

Shepard’s eyes snapped open, her soldier mode reactivating as Wrex slammed on the brakes of the mako. Lizbeth Baynham screamed and clutched tightly at her harness.

“We’re picking up a lot of geth chatter, Commander. Seems there’s a bunch of them headed your way.”

Sheard’s jaw dropped as she spotted three geth armature tanks, and several troopers of various type ahead of them and charging. Her hands flew to her own harness, disengaging the locks in record time as she lurched forwards into the turret seat.

“No shit, Joker! A little more warning next time would be appreciated!” she yelled as she swung the gun forward and began firing on the closest troopers.

“Well, it’s not exactly like they included a countdown timer in the messages, Commander. I’ll be sure to remind them of that next time.” His sarcasm bit at her over the channel, clearly miffed that she hadn’t at least said ‘thank you’.

“You and I are going to have words, Moreau.” Garrus yelled as Wrex hammered the accelerator, barreling them forward out of range of the armature main guns, laughing maniacally all the way. Shepard swung backwards and forwards, mowing down troopers with the machine gun and hammering the armatures with the turret.

Alarms blared as Wrex drove straight at the colossus. “Hurry up, Shepard! It’s not exactly like I have room to maneuver!”

“Fuck off, Wrex! If you think you can do better, let me drive and show me how it’s done!”

Just as the shields gave out, Shepard lined up the turret with the colossus’ plasma cannon. It felt as though the machine was staring right back at her.  She squeezed the triggers, and whooped gleefully when the tank sputtered. “Step on it!” she shouted as the giant tank wobbled.

The mako’s engines screamed as they flew between the machine’s legs and out the other side, just a half second before the tank crashed to the deck, causing the entire bridge to shake.

In all, the battle lasted less than three minutes, but it felt like hours before Shepard could unclench her hands from the turret controls, her heart thrumming in her ears as the adrenalin spike of battle began to ease.

“You alright there, Dr. Baynham?” Garrus asked, turning around in his seat to look at their passenger.

“Yeah … yeah I’m ...” But her words were cut off as another, slightly familiar voice broke in over their comms.

“ … anybody. Is there anyone picking this up?”

Wrex eased them forward around the remains of the armatures, accelerating quickly again as the skyway tunnel door came into sight.

Garrus looked over at Shepard. “Looks like our getting rid of that ship unblocked the colonists’ radios too. Maybe we can finally get a distress call out and evac the survivors.”

_Oh shit._ The thought of more people coming planetside where the Thorian could infect them hadn’t actually occurred to her.

“Get away from that radio!” the nasally voice of Ethan Jeong shouted over the comm.

Shepard and Garrus locked eyes, cobalt blue meeting emerald green. They’d discussed the Jeong’s unwillingness to provide them any information about the building, his insistence to the other company survivors that the people of Zhu’s Hope we’re dead, his steadfast belief that the company would save them all.

Shepard had thought that he’d just been a typical company ‘yes man’, but now she wondered how much he’d really known.

“What the hell was that all about?” Lizbeth asked, a sliver of anger creeping into her voice.

Shepard turned to her, but another static filled transmission cut off her words. The slowly sinking feeling of dread in Shepard’s gut plummeting faster than an escape pod towards atmo.

“This is Juliana Baynham of … Feros colony. We need immediate—“ The rest of the transmission cut off into static.

“Mom!” Lizbeth shouted as she began fighting to unbuckle her harness. “That’s my mom! Stop! Stop the rover!”

Wrex slammed on the breaks a few meters away from the tunnel that led to the survivor's encampment.

“Shit! Lizbeth!” Shepard shouted as one of her harness buckles caught and Lizbeth Baynham flew out of the APC hatch. Garrus dashed after the doctor while Wrex ripped Shepard’s stuck buckle from it’s holder.

The two of them quickly caught up to Garrus and Lizbeth, who were crouched low behind the makeshift barricade the survivors had erected for protection. Shepard peeked around the edge of crate and caught sight of Jeong pacing back and forth in front of the radio Juliana had just been using.

“You can’t do this, Jeong!” Juliana Baynham shouted angrily.

Shepard glanced briefly at the other survivors and noted that all of them looked uncomfortable with the unfolding scene.

“Shut up! Just shut up and let me think!” Jeong shouted back at the doctor before him, a pistol clutched tightly in his hand as he continued to pace back and forth.

Shepard glanced behind her and caught Garrus’ eye, knowing that he didn’t have a clear view of Jeong. She signaled that the man was now armed, but that they were to hold position.

“What’s going on?” Lizbeth whispered, having caught Shepard’s hand signals.

Movement in her peripheral caught Shepard’s attention before she could answer. One of the guards was striding behind Juliana, clearly annoyed with her.

“Get her out of here!” Jeong shouted as the guard grabbed hold of the woman’s arms and began to drag her away.

“Get away from her, you son of a bitch!” Lizbeth screamed as she dove from her hiding place and ran towards her mother.

“Damn it!” Jeong shouted, tones of stress and fear tinging his nasally voice. “Come out where I can see you! All of you, now!”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Shepard mumbled, her shoulders sagging as she pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. So much for the element of surprise.

“I think we should leave civilians behind if we’re trying to sneak somewhere,” Garrus whispered as he glanced at the other two.

“Or shoot them,” Wrex grumbled, his frustration clearly matching Shepard’s own. “Shooting them works too.”

“No. No shooting civilians, Wrex. We can scare them … maybe. But no shooting them.” Shepard raised her hands in the universal sign of surrender and moved out from her hiding spot. “Let’s just get this all over with and get back to our people.”

She moved out into the open and took in the full scope of the scene before her. Most of the surviving scientists were huddled together just behind Julianna and Lizbeth Baynham, who were clutching each other tightly, clearly relieved to be reunited. The few guards scattered around the camp gave her squad uneasy looks as they moved into the center. Jeong blanched the colour or sour milk at the sight of them, his ferrety face pinched between disgust and outright fear.

“Shepard,” he sneered as she stopped directly in front of them. “God damn it, I knew it was too much to hope that the geth would kill you.”

“Wasn’t for lack of trying. We’re just that good.” she said as she lowered her arms and crossed them over her chest.

Jeong began to pace again, the pistol still held tightly in his hand. “I looked you up in the ExoGeni database you know. I know what you did during the Blitz, but you’re _heroics_ aren’t needed here.”

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at him. “Really? So having the geth take over your headquarters, kill most of your coworkers, and barely surviving was all part of your master plan?”

He took a threatening step towards her, his pistol hand shaking. “Shut up! You have no idea what’s actually going on on this planet.”

Shepard held her ground and crossed her arms over her chest, staring him down while trying to give off a vibe of calmness. “Okay, so let’s talk this out. No one needs to get hurt here.”

A pained expression crossed the man’s face. He looked … terrified, yet Shepard knew it wasn’t her that scared him. “ExoGeni wants this place purged. The whole colony.”

“This is a _human_ colony, Jeong!” Lizbeth Baynham shouted at him. “They can’t just ‘repurpose’ us!”

Jeong rounded on her, anger mixing in with his fear. “It’s not just you! You know damn well that there is something _much_ more valuable here than a few colonists.”

Shepard’s eye twitched, but it was the only outward sign of her slowly boiling anger at the man. “So you knew about the Thorian.”

Jeong’s face became splotchy with indignant anger. “Those are company secrets! You had no right … .“

“I have every fucking right to know about something that is endangering my people.” Shepard’s voice cut across him like a knife, causing him to recoil as her anger began to fill their hiding place. “Those colonists that _you_ allowed to become infected and enthralled are now attacking my ship.”

“Wait,” Juliana Baynham looked between Jeong, Shepard, and her daughter, the confusion and frustration clear on her face. “What the hell are you all talking about? What’s a Thorian?”

Shepard watched as Lizbeth turned shame-filled eyes away from her mother. “It’s a … some kind of indigenous plant living under Zhu’s Hope. ExoGeni’s been studying it’s mind control capabilities using the colonists living there over the last few months.”

Some of Shepard’s anger at the young doctor eased, turning to pity as she watched the disappointment and horror play out across Juliana Baynham’s face. “But your daughter tried to stop them. Her probation is a direct result of her speaking out against the experiment.” Shepard saw hope and pleading spark to life in Julianna’s eyes.

“She should have kept her mouth shut!” Jeong sneered at her. “She had no business—” A single shot rang out, turning the company man’s rant into a scream of pain as blood gushed from his right knee. The pistol he’d been holding clattered to the ground as he fell, clutching his useless knee as close to his chest as the now wrecked joint would permit.

Shepard’s pistol stayed raised, a faint trail of smoke still coming from the barrel as she glared at the at the writhing man. She heard Garrus and Wrex draw their weapons as the guard’s shook themselves from their shock and took a few steps towards her.

“I thought you said we couldn’t shoot civilians?” Wrex asked her, and she could just hear the tinge of humor in his rumbling voice.

“As a rule, but that fucker was not only threatening us, but our teammates and all of these people. I took exception to that.” Shepard growled as she continued to glare.

“You bitch! Oh my God, I can’t believe you actually shot me! Just wait until ExoGeni hears about this.” Another shot rang through the campsite, striking the rock just behind Jeong’s head.

“Keep talking, human,” Wrex growled, taking a step toward the incapacitated human. Shepard threw her arm out in front of him, stopping him at a safe distance. “She could have made it a kill shot. Be happy I respect her enough to spare your life.”

Wrex holstered his own pistol and stomped away towards one of the other researchers in the camp. Shepard watched as he handed Gavin Hossel the OSD of the research he’d asked them to find.

“I understand you’re angry, Commander ...” Juliana began.

“Angry doesn’t even begin to describe it,” Shepard snapped at her. “But right now I need to figure out a way to get to the Thorian without hurting the colonists.”

Lizbeth and her mother looked at each other, a thought seeming to have occurred to each of them. “Well, I think you could safely use a commercial nerve toxin to neutralize the colonists.” Lizbeth considered, wringing her hands in front of her anxiously.

Shepard cocked her eyebrow at the two women. “You mean like a gas grenade? Releasing clouds of gas into the air will affect me an my people too. What good will it do if my crew and I pass out along with the colonists?”

Juliana began to pace in front of them, a plan seeming to form in her head as she considered her daughter’s idea. “It’s not even close to weapons grade. The stuff we use in the gro-labs has only trace amounts of Tetraclopine; it acts as a neuromuscular degenerator.” At Shepard’s blank look, she continued. “If their nervous systems are already weakened, of which I have no doubt if they’re being controlled by plant spores, it should act as a paralyzing agent.”

Lizbeth seemed to guess Shepard’s next line of thought. “It took weeks to months for the colonists to submit to the control. Your team didn’t even spend two hours in the camp. There’s no way you would be affected by this gas.”

Shepard took a deep breath and looked back at Garrus, silently asking for his opinion on all of this.

“We could adapt our concussion grenades to deploy it,” he considered with a shrug, his mandibles clicking thoughtfully. “Honestly, it’s worth a try. Those people are innocent victims in all of this.”    

Shepard’s eye travelled over to Wrex, who was lumbering back their way. He simply shrugged, obviously leaving it in her hands to decide.

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose and nodded, giving her approval to the plan. “Alright. Garrus, work with the Baynham and modify our grenades. We move in one hour.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thank you to every one that has read, reviewed, followed, and favourited the story so far! I am again remembering why I decided to tell Alexis' story as I get further and further into it.
> 
> As always, huge thanks to MizDirected for all the love, support, and fantastic beta'ing!


	8. Chapter 08

Bone aching exhaustion. That was all she could feel anymore as she sat next to the giant bonfire the colonists had built to burn what was left of the Thorian.

The gas grenades that Garrus and the Baynham’s put together worked perfectly. Although the colonists were been aiming to kill, Shepard, Wrex, and Garrus refused to return fire on them. Though the creepy thrawl creatures were another matter entirely. They just exploded into clouds of gross green goo and sprayed in all directions when you shot them. The only colonist that they’d lost was Fai Dan, the leader of the colony. He fought against the control to the last, refusing to aim his weapon on them, and instead taking his own life.

Shepard sighed and pulled her aching legs closer to her chest, her arms encircling them as she allowed the heat from the fire to lick at her sore muscles. She glanced over at the body bag laying next to the restrained and defeated form of Ethan Jeong. Dr. Chakwas’ treatment of his wound and and leg immobilization had been rough, but truthfully Shepard couldn’t find it in herself to give a damn. Two Marines were stationed as his guard, and the looks they shot the man would make even the toughest criminal shudder.

She’d confiscated his omni-tool and contacted the ExoGeni HQ for a fairly one sided conversation. Her threat of economic sanctions through the council, coupled with going public with their crimes against the colonists convinced the board of directors to continue to support the colony financially. Everything revolved around credits and reputation, a lesson she learned far too well over the years.

Resting her head on her knees, she allowed her mind to drift as she stared into the flames of the fire. The hypnotic dance of the flames let her block all noise from the camp and replay the brutal battle with the Thorian over again. Saren’s little parting gift of trip mines and C4 at the entrance to its lair was only negated by Garrus’ sharp sniper's eye in spotting the glare of the trip wire. Once again Saren and his geth had planted enough explosives to level the colony and bury any evidence of their presence.

Add to that the enthralled asari he’d  _ given _ to the Thorian, and you got one of the hardest battles she’d been in since the Blitz.

“Fucking asshole,” she mumbled as she rubbed her left temple, hoping that the headache she felt brewing wouldn’t bloom into a migraine. “Just wait until I get my hands on him.”

“Hey, Skipper. You have a second to talk?” A gentle voice behind her startled her. She whipped her head around, a bit too fast, pinching her eyes closed against the wave of nausea that overtook her senses. Only her sheer force of will kept her from swaying as Ashley came up beside her.

Shepard gave her a weak smile, inclining her head in invitation for Ashley to have a seat next to her. “Of course. I have an open door policy, Chief.”

Ashley smiled weakly and took the proffered seat. Shepard uncurled her legs, wincing as both her knees popped, releasing the nitrogen built up in the joints, and turned her body to face the gunnery chief.

“Sounds like you had a hell of a fight with that plant … thing,” Williams began, indicating the blazing remains shrinking in the fire. “Glad Wrex and Vakarian were there to back you up.”

Shepard nodded, guessing that this was some sort of preamble to Ashley’s real point. “But is it … wise for the aliens to be so involved in this hunt? I mean, Vakarian’s a turian. He may end up helping Saren at the end. I’m not sure we can count on him to help us when it will really count. And Wrex? He’s a mercenary, Skipper. If Saren offers him enough, he will probably turn on us like that!” She snapped her fingers to emphasize her point.

Shepard stared at her fellow officer, equal parts astonished and angry, but she kept her face as neutral as possible, wanting Ashley to finish whatever was on her mind.

“I just …” Ashley heaved a sigh, clearly uncomfortable. “I just don’t think it’s wise for us to be relying on aliens, ma’am. What if Tali is spying and sending information about our drive core back to the flotilla? The  _ Normandy _ is state of the art. Should we really be allowing aliens access to all of our systems? I mean, humanity has to look out for itself, first and foremost. We all know that when the going gets tough, the aliens will stick together to make humanity look bad.”

Williams looked over at her, obviously anxious for her reaction, and Shepard had to remember that prejudices like this were still fairly common among children of military families. Especially ones who’d had family in the war. She’d already had words with Pressley about things like this. He’d been promoted to XO when she’d been given command of the ship, and he had not agreed with her decision to bring an alien crew aboard. There’d been a bit of a shouting match about it.

“Thank you for expressing your concerns to me, Gunnery Chief,” Ashley jaw tightened as Shepard used her full rank instead of her name. “But I want to make one thing very clear here. All of us, be we human, turian, krogan, or quarian are members of the galactic community. There is no more ‘us vs. them’.”

“But, Commander I …”

“No,” Shepard held up a hand, stopping Ashley before she could interrupt further. “You need to remember that Vakarian went against orders and continued to investigate Saren off the books. Not only that, he quit his job with C-Sec to come help us. He has stated multiple times to  _ all of us _ that he not only very much dislikes Saren, but he considers him a stain on the honour of the turian people. Tali risked her  _ life _ to get us the information that proved Saren a traitor. Engineer Adam’s has praised her help and expertise to no end since she joined us. And if you spoke to Wrex, he would tell you that he has run across Saren before and barely escaped with his life. He may be a mercenary, but he has a bigger sense of honor than many  _ humans _ I’ve come across since joining the Alliance.”

Ashley’s cheeks glowed bright red under the intensity of the fire and Shepard’s dressing down.

“Hell, look at that asari we freed from the Thorian.” Shepard continued hotly. “She was a loyal follower of Saren and Benezia but they betrayed her at the drop of a hat. Yet she volunteered to stay here and help these colonists get their lives back together. And it was  _ humans _ like that one,” she thumbed behind her to indicated Jeong. “That allowed these people to be enslaved and then were more than willing to allow them to die in pursuit of company profits.”

Ashley dropped her gaze to her clenched hands, a look of shame crossing her pretty features.

“Understood, Commander. I won’t bring this up again.” Ashley’s voice was cold as steel as she moved to get up, but Shepard reached and grabbed her hand.

“Ash, wait.” Shepard heaved a sigh as Ashley looked down at her with a guarded expression. “Look, I understand your mistrust to a degree. I do, but humanity really has to learn to play nice in the galactic sandbox. I also know that this mistrust of yours has something to do with your family, and is also probably part of the reason you have always gotten such shitty assignments.”

Ashley averted her eyes and stared at the fire, her jaw rigid as she appeared to consider something. After a very pregnant silence, her shoulders slumped and she resumed her seat next to Shepard.

“My grandfather …” Ashley began, her voice breaking with some kind of suppressed emotion. “My grandfather was General Harold Williams. Commander of the Shanxi garrison and the only human to ever surrender an alien force.”

Shepard’s eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, her eyebrows nearly touching her hairline in surprise as small pieces of information began to fall into place.

“Dad got passed up for promotion over and over. Never made if higher than Serviceman third class.” she scoffed, her nose wrinkling in disgust. “It truly takes a special kind of thickhead to march into a job where your name is blacklisted. But he and I did it anyway.”

“So that’s why … .“ Shepard mumbled.

“Yup. Every one of my superiors up until now has always found out about it, and held me groundside because of it. Dad always said ‘A Williams has to be better than the best’.” A sad smile crossed her lips. “He was thrilled when I got promoted to Gunnery Chief.”

“From what I remember, your grandfather held out for a really long time. Waged one hell of a guerilla campaign against the turians.” Shepard desperately wished they had some beer to ease the tension around this topic.

“Yeah well, didn’t matter to anyone once they liberated the colony. All they cared about was that he surrendered. Didn’t matter that his men were starving or that surrendering was the only thing that saved what was left of the civilian population. Only thing the higher ups saw was a man who’d surrendered to an enemy force. They clapped him in irons and paraded him back to Earth like a war criminal, but there was never a trial. Instead they quietly demoted him and shoved him behind a desk. He retired after less than a year and spent the rest of his life doing construction in the outer colonies.”

Shepard nodded in understanding. “You have to know by now that I don’t care about your name, Ash. I saw your scores and records when we brought you aboard. You’re an exceptional soldier and the brass were stupid to never look further than your family name. But don’t you see that you’re essentially doing to Garrus, Wrex, and Tali what’s been done to you and your family since Shanxi?

Ashley turned startled eyes to her.

“You’re refusing to see anything past  _ what _ they are. I want you to stop and get to know  _ who _ they are. You’d be surprised at how …” Shepard fought to try and find the right word. “ _ Human _ they really are.”

As if given some kind of psychic signal, Garrus and Tali walked around the corner, chatting amiably and comparing ideas on how to permatize the colony’s water supply now that the geth were gone.

Not too far behind them came Kaidan, wiping his hands with a rag, his stint in Chakwas’s makeshift medical lab apparently having just ended. Shepard’s face fell slightly as she averted her eyes from him. She still hadn’t decided what to do there.

Her eyes moved back to Ashley and found her grinning at her. Shepard cocked her eyebrow, almost daring the other woman to comment.

“You know, he was really worried about you, Skipper.” Ashley said as she watched Kaidan walk towards the tables the mess sergeant had set up to help feed everyone. “He tried to hide it, but I could see it.”

Shepard averted her eyes from the other woman’s knowing smirk and watched Kaidan move through the line, a biotic helping of rations piled high on his plate as he looked for a quiet corner to relax and stretch his legs.

“I’ll tell you what Shepard,” Ashley said as she bumped shoulders with her. “I’ll take what you said under advisement and try to get to know Garrus, Wrex, and Tali if you try to fix whatever is going on between you and the LT.”

“Ash, ” Shepard sighed. “Whatever there is between the LT and me, you know can’t actually happen. There’s a mountain of regs between us and … a river of sick around it.”

Ashley wrinkled her nose at her in disgust. “That’s a disgusting analogy if I’ve ever heard one.”

Shepard laughed heartily, drawing the eyes of more than a few of the colonists that had already been discharged by Chakwas. Ashley grinned as she joined in with Shepard’s levity.

“No bull, Shepard. Whatever there is between you and the LT is special. Whether it’s destined to be a friendship or something more … only God knows that. But don’t be a fool and let fear of the regs come between you.”     


“The regs are there for a reason, Ash.” Shepard scolded lightly.

“I’m well aware. But in watching the both of you I don’t believe you would let feelings come in the way of duty. I think you’ll be all the more rigorous because of them.”

Shepard pulled her lower lip between her teeth, chewing it lightly as she tried to arrange her thoughts.

“I never got the chance to tell you this before, but when you got pulled into the beacon he shouted your name and tried to rush back to pull you away. I had to really fight to hold him back. When it exploded, he carried you back to the ship on his own and stayed in the med bay until you woke up. And whatever he feels is  _ definitely _ stronger than a subordinate caring for their CO.”

“Yeah well, we didn’t know it then, but we kinda knew each other before enlisting.” Shepard mumbled as she pulled her legs back against her chest.

“Okay, that alone should tell you something.” Ash said with a shrug.

Shepard snickered. “You are aware of how I grew up, right?”

“What? You think that because you were in a gang and did some bad shit to survive, you aren’t allowed friends?”

Shepard gave the other woman a bemused expression. “The fact that I knew him then ….”

“Means jack shit,” Ashley finished for her. “I can guarantee that you’re both different now. Officers of the Systems Alliance and on a noble mission to save the galaxy.”

Shepard shook her head and laughed at the outrageousness of that idea. “Jesus, two romantics on the same ship.”

Ashley grinned at her. “What’s life without a bit of romance?”    


Shepard covered her face with her hands, and sighed in frustration. Ash was right, there was no reason she and Kaidan couldn’t at least be friends. “Fine,” she huffed through her fingers. “You work on your relationships with our alien crew, and I’ll … talk to the LT.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOO!! My second chapter this month! Huge thanks to MizDirected for being the best beta and friend I could ask for. Always willing to listen to me ramble on about Kaidan and Alexis.
> 
> Also a shoutout to the MEFFW group on Facebook for all the support they've given me! Can't do it without you guys!


	9. Chapter 09

A loud and insistent knock at her cabin door startled Shepard out of a near doze as she reviewed various mission briefs forwarded by Admiral Hackett. Dressed in her typical off-duty attire of yoga pants and tank top, she pushed aside some of the data pads spread around her small table. Each contained one of the multitude of leads or missions she’d been asked to help with, and honestly didn’t know how the _Normandy_ could possibly look into all of them. They were only one ship after all.

According to Admiral Hackett, the geth appeared to be mounting incursion attacks in the Skyllian Verge. Given their connection to Saren, he worried about them laying the groundwork for a full scale invasion. The _Normandy_ still carried enough provisions for at least two weeks, even if they brought a second biotic aboard, they planned to head first for Therum to grab or deal with Benezia’s daughter, Dr. Liara T’Soni, then head to the Verge to deal with the incursion. Surviving that, they’d head back to the Citadel for restocking and forty-eight hours leave.

When the knock came again, Shepard closed down her reports and remotely keyed open her door. Her heart leapt into her throat and her stomach plummeted down to the floor when she saw Kaidan standing on the other side of the door. She took in his expression of stubborn determination—face hard, jaw clenched, and chin jutted forward—she cocked an eyebrow, curious and a little concerned about his demeanor. “LT? What can I do for you?”  
  
“Commander,” he looked straight ahead, not meeting her eyes. “Do you have a few moments to talk?”

Her stomach plummeted even further if it were possible, her fight or flight instinct screaming that she didn’t want to face this conversation, but she knew she couldn’t deny him if he had ship business. “You know I always make time for my officers, Lieutenant.” She gathered a few of the reports and stacked them neatly, clearing him a space and before kicking out the chair that she’d stretched her legs out on and offering it to him. “Have a seat.” She pulled herself straight in the chair and clasped her hands in front of her on the table.

His gaze dropped to meet hers as he pulled the chair around the table to face her directly, and sat down. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion, but still she said nothing.

“Is my presence on this mission going to be a problem for you, ma’am?” His amber eyes bored into her, his voice taking on a sharp edge that cut her to the quick.

She sat back in her chair, feeling as though she’d been punched. But she kept her face neutral as she moved her folded hands to her lap. Her mind raced through all possible reasoning for his question, going from bad to worse. Was he asking to be transferred? Did knowing that she was the girl from the streets truly repulse him so much? The little voice of reason whispered that she was overreacting, but her anxiety demon booted it back into its corner.

She cleared her throat and crossed her arms tightly over her chest, her mental defensive barriers coming up—just as powerful as any biotic barrier she’d seen him create—to hide her fear of those thoughts. “If it were truly going to be a problem for me, Lieutenant, I would have already put in your transfer orders.” Her voice had slipped to take on an equally biting tone, “But I think the better question here is, is it going to be a problem for you to serve with me?"

A disbelieving look flickered across his hardened features. “You’re telling me you have absolutely no problem with me, a former red sand addict, serving with you?” He leaned forward, watching her eyes intently. “That you still trust me to watch your six despite the fact that simply knowing me nearly got you killed?”

A small gasp of surprise escaped her lips and she blinked a few times, surprised and a bit confused by his line of thought, but she never moved her eyes from his. “Keyword there is _former_ addict, correct? Or are you still using?”

Kaidan shot back in his chair as though she’d slapped him. “What? No! I got clean right after …."

Shepard held up a hand to forestall him, some of the fear and hurt dissipating as things became clearer. “I know. Believe it or not I can still tell if someone is using. And once I realized who you were, I went back over things and tried to see if any of the signs were there. You also seem to forget that my life was in danger _long_ before I ever met you. You just added an extra … spice to the normal danger. But you’re not answering my question.”

“Do I have a problem serving under you? Hell no.” He shook his head emphatically. “I have nothing but the highest respect for you, Commander. I consider it a true honour to be chosen to serve under you.”

“Heh, you haven’t had the pleasure of serving under me, Kaidan.” She slapped a hand over her mouth, an intense blush burning her cheeks as Kaidan’s eyes went wide. “Oh my God. I did not mean that like it sounded. I just meant … um … you haven’t really had the opportunity to be on the field with me that much yet.”

A smirk pulled at the corners of his lips as he clearly enjoyed her embarrassment.  “Tell you what Shepard.” His use of her surname showing that their little spat lay forgotten. “Maybe if we play our cards right, once this mission is over, we can … you know, go out on a date.”

Shepard pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, trying desperately to hide the girlish smile she knew hid just below the surface. Her inner commander voice warred fiercely with the voice of Alexis, the woman, a voice she generally tried to bury. A bit of her unease and inner turmoil must have shown on her face however.

“I mean … at the very least, I owe you a dinner for what you did for me in Vancouver, ma’am. I doubt I’d be alive to if it weren’t for you.” Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, a slight pink tinge colouring his cheeks as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair, clearly worried he’d jumped over the unspoken line.

Shepard huffed a laugh and shook her head at him. “Kaidan you saved my life more than a few times before that night too. And seriously, you don’t owe me anything. You were my first real friend in years. Well, other than my brother. I wasn’t about to let anyone hurt you.”

He gave her a playful smile. “Well, I seem to remember you royally kicking my ass the first time we met.”

Shepard snickered. “Yeah well, you tried to steal a messenger bag full of sand. Not my fault you picked the wrong target.”

“I think I picked exactly the _right_ target that night, actually.”

Shepard’s mouth fell open in surprise, completely speechless, and her cheeks burning at his admission.

“I uh … I have something of yours, actually. After I got clean, just before I enlisted I went back to that apartment building you used to live in. The city had finally condemned it and were going to tear it down, but … “ he reached into one of the utility pockets of his pants and withdrew a small white stuffed dog.

Shepard gasped, instantly recognizing the old toy as Kaidan held it out to her.

“I’ve taken him with me in my footlocker on every mission I’ve gone on. A reminder of what can so easily be lost if I lose control of myself. But … now I think he should go back to where he belongs.”

Tears began to slide down her cheeks as she reached trembling hands out to accept the proffered gift. “Oh my God … Winston.” She clutched him tightly to her chest and turned watery eyes to the man in front of her. “I can’t believe it. I thought he was gone forever.”

Kaidan rubbed his neck again, and Shepard made a mental note that this appeared to be his tell. “Yeah, well. When I found him he was pretty dirty and beat up. My mom helped me clean and fix him after I told her the story of who he’d belonged to.”

Shepard lunged from her chair and flung her arms around Kaidan, all sense of propriety thrown out the airlock as she hugged him in gratitude. “Thank you. Thank you so much for finding him.” She choked into his shoulder. There were a few beats of hesitation before she felt his arms wrap around her in a return hug.

Shepard pulled slowly away after a few moments, cheeks burning brightly as the reality of their situation came crashing back with the intensity of an ice bucket shower. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few beats before she broke their gaze and cleared her throat.

“My apologies, Lieutenant. That was …. “ she began as she backed away and resumed her seat, clutching Winston tightly to her chest again, hoping to hide the slight tremble she could feel rolling up her spine.

Kaidan held up a hand to stop her apology. “It’s fine, Shepard. I think, given our history, a hug between friends is acceptable.”

Shepard smiled shyly and tucked her hair behind her right ear, yet another nervous habit she generally tried to suppress. It was so … girly.

“Well … friends can also call one another by their given names, at least when they’re off duty.” The heat in her cheeks just would not let up.

Kaidan smiled widely, clearly thrilled beyond measure that they’d moved beyond the awkward stage so quickly. “Heh, you mean _Commander_ isn’t actually your first name?”

Shepard snorted, rolled her eyes, and flipped him the bird for good measure. “Really, you’re a bloody comedian. Be sure to tell me when your next standup night is.”

Kaidan laughed, and for the first time Shepard allowed herself to notice how rich it really was. It flowed over her like the sweetest honey.

“Sorry, Alexis.” Another small shiver shot up her spine at the sound of her first name on his lips. “I just couldn’t resist that one.”

“Ugh, seriously. Between you and Joker, I don’t know who’s worse.”

They settled into a comfortable silence, and Shepard placed Winston the stuffed dog into her lap, running a finger gently between his black button eyes to smooth his fringe. He had been a gift from her mother when she was very young and had always gone everywhere with her. But circumstances when she’d been shot and woken up in the hospital after Randle’s attack had prevented her from going back to the apartment for him. She’d cried in her bunk at Grissom for weeks. The thought of Randle spurred something else loose.

“Hey Kaidan? I’m going to … need a favour.” Shepard began running her nail over Winston’s nose, picking at the dents that passed for his nostrils.

“Sure, I’ll help in whatever way I can.”

She watched him lean forward and fold his arms on the table.

“In about two weeks time we’re going to be heading back to the Citadel for 48 hours to restock. Can you … meet me at a bar on the wards? I have something I need to show you, and I can’t tell anyone else about it. It isn’t exactly Alliance sanctioned.” She licked her lips and tried to swallow past the large lump in her throat. She forced her eyes up to meet his clearly perplexed ones.

“Um … sure, Alexis. But if it’s not Alliance sanctioned, should I really be brought in on Spectre business?”

She closed her eyes, and forced out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “It’s not Spectre business either. This … is purely about getting revenge ... on the man who killed my brother and nearly sold you to those suits that night.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened with shock, but anger quickly replaced it, and she prepared herself for his refusal.

“You know where he is?” His voice was hard, laced with the anger that coloured his face.

Shepard nodded, but said nothing.

“Just send me the coordinates, and I’ll be there.” He tapped a few commands into his omni-tool as he rose from his seat and headed for the door.

Shepard felt her own tool vibrate on her wrist with a new message. And looked down to check it just as Kaidan left her cabin.

He’d sent her his private account address with a message. _I wouldn’t miss it for anything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOO!! I actually updated!! Only been working on this chapter for 3 months...
> 
> Anyways, as always, big hugs to MizDirected for all of her guidance in helping me get this chapter out! Also for being one of the best friends a girl could ask for. Seriously, she puts up with a lot from me :p Also thanks to the MEFFW group over on FaceBook for all their support and encouragement as I go through this journey :)


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